Long time

I started this blog so many months, maybe even years, ago. I wanted a place where I could share my thoughts... be honest about my feelings.

When I started this, I was a college student who presumably new it all. I needed a space to share the things I thought I couldn't tell anyone.

Now, I'm married. To the man of my dreams... who I think is even mentioned here... somewhere.

Now, I've finally figured out that if you need a place to share your thoughts, it should be with your family, your friends, your husband. If you can't say it to the people it will impact, then chances are good there is something wrong with your thoughts...

either a.) they are hurtful to the other... well then you need to own them, or dismiss them.
b.) people will dismiss them... well, then you're friends and family aren't committed, or you haven't figured out how to properly communicate.

I don't know that I need this space to share these thoughts anymore. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing here.

I was posting regularly... now that I'm not... where should I take this?


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Busy Busy Weddingbee

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Things have been busy in the soon-to-be Miller household. We've been spending almost every single evening doing either something wedding related, or just out and about.

We've started dance lessons with Arthur Murray. I'm still very torn about the whole thing, but the money's been paid, so I hope it turns out to be a fun time. We're taking 7 private lessons and another 14 group type lessons. I can only hope that this really is the investment in our future that we think it is. It's just such a funny system, but I can definitely say that if anyone wants to be making some money and doesn't mind working evenings, dance lessons are definitely a racket.

I'm still working on our Ketubah with a vengeance. I'm trying hard to find one that really reflects us both, and is written on Klaf parchment. (actual animal skin). This seems really important to Matthew, so I'm trying to make it work.

We've run into some difficulties with things being slightly confusing. Lots of times where I swear that we agreed that he would do something by a certain time, but then it hasn't gotten done. It's not about the things most of the time, it's about the fact that it just seems so irrelevant to him to do them on the timeline we've agreed to. Does that make sense? It frustrates me so much because then I don't think I can believe him when he says he will do something- then he gets mad at me for not trusting him, and we go round and round with the same issues.

All the while this stuff is going on I'm enjoying life more and more. I think we've really started to hit into a nice pattern of being in love, being there for each other, and generally enjoying each others company. I'm a little miffed about how all of these things keep happening, but I certainly think that I like it.

Matt's still looking for work, so if anyone is in the Consumer products industry, let me know...

We're at about 80 days... wow...


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Jew- ish?

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Today I want to talk about making the choice to change religions. I've been in a quandry lately as being mean, and inconsiderate to my partners religious beliefs and traditions.

I had always thought that I was so clear. I'm not interested in a mixed religion marriage. To say that I don't mean that I'm not interested in marrying a man who isn't Jewish. Clearly that's true, since I'm marrying a Christian. I just mean that I expect to have a house and a family that is not two religions, but one. And yes, that one, is Judaism.

When I have been confronted by people from his family, I keep getting the message that they expect me to have a two religion home. To somehow 'respect' his traditions and upbringing. I think it's one thing to say that I respect Christianity. I respect his emotional connection to those rituals. I respect his desire to continue to celebrate these traditions with his family and our children when the time comes.

I think it's something different to decide that these traditions and experiences need a place in our home. yes, I say our home. We will build a home, we will build a set of traditions. As far as I can tell, we're mostly comfortable with the choices we're making. Yes, there are some 'sticky' points, but NO, we don't have to really figure them all out now.

I just want to understand how I am supposed to 'respect' his traditions, but still be able to clearly define my home as one in which these traditions are outside of the religious scope of our family...?

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Busy wedding, busy work= busy Izzy

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Yes, I know, I rejected the 'busy Izzy' for many years in school, but right now... it's the truth.

The wedding is less than 4 months away. Yes, you read that right- it's the first weekend in June, so it's about 4 months out, which I totally can't believe. There are so many little details that I'm trying to plan out. If you're in the area and haven't already started to collect glass jars for me (jelly, pasta, etc), then now is the time to start! Every weekend is filled with some sort of wedding related item, from trying on shoes with the dress (FUN!) to hammering out the guest list details (not so fun)...

I'm also starting to train for a triathlon right now. I know, I'm crazy. Unfortunately the mud-run that I do every year in October has decided to move to June, and that means I won't be able to participate. It's about a week after the wedding when I plan to be lounging around Costa Rica. So my sister suggested that I take up tri's, and I've started to train. I bought a swim cap and goggles and am on day three.

Work is getting really busy- with two events this month, and our really large events coming up in April and May. My biggest event of the season is about two weeks before the wedding- that should be fun. I'm trying to get PO's done, and I'm still at that learning phase where everything is difficult and I have to ask a lot of questions to get things done...

Okay- enough about me... how are you? who's out there? anyone at all?


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Over a month- Again

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I can't believe it's been a month. And it's been a tumultuous one at that....

I'm not exactly sure what to say, except that things don't feel right. I don't want anyone getting unnecessarily worried about me, but I can say with certainty that I don't feel right.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and she tried to help me sort through some things. In the end, we determined that I'm not pregnant, I'm not depressed, but I am going through some emotional stuff.

Everyone I talk to wants to blame it all on the upcoming wedding. If it's not the wedding, then it's probably the changing of jobs... maybe the reason is the moving...

I'm just not sure. If you ask me to tell you how I feel about changing jobs, I would honestly tell you that leaving the old one sucks, but so far I'm learning a lot and am excited about the new one. If you asked me if I was blissfully happy, then clearly the answer would be no.. .however, I'm working, and trying to stay busy...

As for the wedding, if I look at it honestly from an event perspective, things are running smoothly. My parents have finally butted out, and there are answers to the biggest questions. I have food and drink, a Rabbi and flowers... I have a pretty dress to get married in...and of course, I still have the man who loves me and wants me.

So- if I mentally think that all of these things are doing fine, why do I cry about 3 times a week?

This, my friends, is the question.

I don't like to admit it, but I think that I am actually really nervous about getting married. I'm not nervous about my love, I'm not nervous about having chosen the most wonderful person I could ever be with... but I'm nervous non-the-less.

I'm not nervous about the logistics, I know that will all work out- in fact I'm still getting compliments about the things I've done and planned so far...

But then, what am I nervous about. I keep wondering about the work, the effort. About how changing me into we, but still keeping the I.

Did that make any sense?

Ramble, ramble, ramble... then cry.


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I bought a DRESS!

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

That's right folks... it seems like this wedding thing might actually happen. I bought a dress while up in San Jose with my sister. It's gorgeous, and I feel so happy that I found it, and that I love it.

I think I'm going to have a cute little jacket made for me, to give me a 'different look' at the wedding (which is totally in nowadays!).

Other than that I've designed the program, I've finalized the guest list, I've written a 14 page logistics information sheet.

However, no caterer, no photographer, and no florist. Don't even ask me about the DJ or band, because that hasn't happened yet either.

UCLA is still a lot of fun, and I've started to do interviews for perspective CMUers. The holiday party season is definitely starting to get moving, so I'm really excited about that too!

I'm going to try to get back into a format of some sort while here at UCLA. I guess we'll see if that works!


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UCLA and the Wedding

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

The title is my life... UCLA and the Wedding. Those are the two things that I'm doing in total... basically trying to schedule one around the other, doing my best in both areas while they both sort of kick my ass.

UCLA is great. So far, I'm really enjoying working there. It's complicated though, because it's a new job and I'm nervous about doing things wrong and not being responsible for the things I need to do. It's a different system then I'm used to. You would think that all of the UC's are the same, but they really are very different.

The Wedding. I don't think my father realizes how much he makes me cry sometimes. It's just sad that I get so upset, but I don't know what to do. He yells at me and my ideas, and it just breaks my heart.

I've arranged meetings with practically everyone, three photographers, two caterers, one florist. I'm working hard to try to make all of these arrangements.

Living with Matt has been wonderful. It's so nice to have someone at home, someone who loves me. Most of the complications are being sorted out, and my favorite moment of the day is in the AM, when he pulls me close and tells me he loves me. waking up at least 20 minutes before he needs to just so I can know his love. That's amazing.

The house is a bit of a wreck, but the kitchen is pretty solidly clean, and that's nice.


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How long it's been...

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I feel a tad bit negligent in my not writing sooner. So much has happened since my last writing. On the one hand, I am finally no longer employed. I left UCI a few days ago, about a week. I am trying to be positive, but I'm actually not just sad, but desperately sad. Almost every day I think about what it is that my boss is doing, how her life is without me. What is happening with my office... I am desperately upset that I'm no longer doing the job I loved, surrounded by the people who have come to mean a lot to me. That those new freshman are starting, and that I won't get the chance to know them.

I have had a few offers, but none of them have felt right. I was so close to taking one, but in the end I just didn't feel good about never having my sundays as days off, though having Friday's off certainly felt nice. It just didn't seem to line up.

My boss keeps thinking that it might be possible for me to get my job part time... I desperately want to stay with them, and I'm not sure what I would do if the opportunity presented itself to go back.

I switched my phone service to Verizon to be with my fiance... I'm quite excited with the text messaging and the new phone I got.

I'm trying to keep up with the running for the 10K with the Mud Run at Pendleton. I've started to be able to run 5 miles in under 55minutes. I'm so excited to be working out so diligently, though I must admit that since I lost my job, I think I've gotten less diligent, despite the additional time I have to put towards it.

So many weddings...so many weddings. I've been to a wedding or a wedding event almost every weekend. It means I haven't played soccer on a Saturday in over a month. Actually, since before I got engaged. It's so complicated...

The wedding plans are coming along. I'm thrilled...

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The planning has started

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

On Wednesday Matt came down for his usual weekday night with me. We've been doing the Wednesday night thing for about 3 years now, it's sort of our thing. This week he was able to come down before dinner, so we went out to Sonny's in San Clemente. While we were there we took a walk on the pier and really just enjoyed the night. On a whim, we headed over to the Casa to see if we could just swing by.

Luck was in our favor, since the Casa was open that night for an open to the public poetry reading. We wandered about and discussed possible options for our wedding. I didn't remember the place being so small, but we had LOTS of great ideas as to how to make it possible.

Then we headed back home and stopped by Matt's parent's house to pick up some avocados. We sat with them and just chatted about the wedding. I can't tell you how nice it was to just sit in the living room and just start discussing things casually. His mother asked me and Matt what we were thinking about the wedding, really allowing us to have our ideas out on the table.

There are still LOTS of questions with the Casa, and Mom and Dad want Matt and I to go and look at a few other places, but we've chatted about our first possible date! YEAH!

I can't believe that it's August, and that by this time next year I will have been married for a few months.

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ENGAGED!

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Hi EVERYONE!

There might still be a few people out there who haven't heard, but I'M ENGAGED! Matthew proposed in the middle of the Kern River while we were tubing down the river on Sunday afternoon.



Yup, in the middle of the river. Matthew had put the ring on his pinkie finger and wore it while we floated down the river. I can't tell you how incredible the view was, and how amazing and shocked I was. I didn't even think that he had purchased it!

This photo was taken about 3 minutes after the proposal, but our lovely friend Chris Ash who was the instigator of the river floating trip.

So, we're planning a wedding. Stay tuned for future updates!

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BAKING GALS!

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Hi Everyone!

I would like to make a team for BAKING GALS! It's a group of people who bake home-made baked goods to send to the soldiers abroad. I have the names of two different soldiers, so I'm trying to start with one of them, and hopefully next time we'll do the second.

I need to find at least 4 other people who will bake and mail items with me. The days to MAIL the items is September 5-20th (or so)! You can find out all about it online at bakinggals.com

So, if you would like to bake or send something to my soldier, please let me know either by leaving a comment here or by e-mailing me. Then I'll sign-up as a team leader and put the information on the bakinggals website.

Whether you believe in the war effort, the war or not; it's nice to do something to show we care.

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Big Decision Week

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

There have been some very interesting events here at work. They have opened up two jobs that only the people that have been laid-off can apply for. One is in marketing, the other is the assistant to the dean position. I have to make up my mind if I want to apply for either or both of these positions by Friday.

On another note, I have to decide about grad school at USC by Friday. I have been putting off this decision, hoping that something might happen to make the decision easier, but so far, no luck in bringing down the astronomical cost of attendance. I just can't justify taking on that much in loans right now, especially unemployed.

Other than that I'm trying to keep busy at work. It's a little tough, especially when my boss is out for the next three weeks.

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Now it's really official

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

On Monday they handed me my official 'your position is being eliminated' paperwork. YEAh! We sat in a meeting with some central HR people to understand our benefits and how we could go about re-applying for a job if we choose not to take severance.

Right now here are the things I'm working on:

1. Trying to decide if I should start grad school in the Fall. I would be starting at USC, with a tuition bill of a little over $8,000 for two classes. I would be taking classes on Monday and Tuesday from 4-7pm. I have to make a decision (read pay for classes) by Thursday August 20th.

2. Trying to find employment. I've been applying to A LOT of jobs, but I'm afraid that the 'cycle' for review will mean that I won't really get any interviews or information about the positions until September, by which time I will already have started the grad program if I do.

3. Should I go to Europe. For those of you playing along at home you may remember that the last time I got laid off I left on a month long cruise vacation. This time my parents are leaving on a similar vacation at the end of November. There is a possibility that I could both be in grad school and go on the trip, but only if there aren't any finals. This decision doesn't have to be made for a little bit, but I'm thinking about it anyways.

On another note, they decided to lay-off one more person. I'm not really sure if this is a lay-off technically. They have decided to terminate the contract of the marketing guy earlier than the original termination date. So, his last day is the 30th same as us. Unfortunately someone complained that he still had his job, so then he lost it. Totally ridiculous and sad.

Other than that, things are just okay. I'm trying to train for the Mud Run this year... I started training on Monday. No thoughts about how it's going quite yet.

I turn 25 this October. i know, ladies aren't supposed to say their age, but I'm really excited.

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It's offically Unofficial

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I got laid-off yesterday. It's officially unofficial. They give me my paperwork in August, notifying me of my 60 days, which would put my last day of work here at UCI on September 30th.

It sucks. I'm sad, and annoyed. I'm angry that I was in a really great position to start getting my career really going.

Well, moral of the story, anyone looking for a production manager? Send anything my way, and thanks...


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Harry Potter, you rotter

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I hope that this post won't spoil anyone still seeing the HP movie, and I'll do my best not to give away any of the important movie tid-bits, though I assume that everyone will have read the books by now...

I was disappointed. And that might be an understatement. WARNING- Negative commentary coming up...

I thought it was slow. I thought it bordered on boring. Each time something exciting should have happened, it just hit a tiny high then immediately dropped back to the ground. I didn't even mind getting up to go to the bathroom.

I went to the movie this morning with some work colleagues. What a great idea, team bonding over Harry Potter and lunch. Let me tell you how much I needed the happiness boost, especially since things here at work are precarious.

Anyways, I just thought they cut things in a really interesting way. They took out portions that I didn't understand, they excluded people and information that I was annoyed by. Every time they've done a movie, except maybe the first movie, I've thought they left out important information. Though it seems to be working for them, I wonder how the information they left out will continue to effect things.

Don't get me wrong, I agree that the cast was cohesive. I agree that the emotional roller coaster and the first love nonsense was interesting, but it wasn't enough to make me love the movie.

On another note, I can't make a decision. Unfortunately I really can't divulge what I can't make a decision about, but I can say that it's one of the biggest decisions I'll make. And once I make it, it won't be very easy to take back...

This weekend we'll be seeing Faith Hill at the Hollywood Bowl. I can't wait. I'll also be going down to Comic-Con next weekend. If you'll be around, give me a cellphone call.


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Nervous Nelly

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Life is really interesting right now. I know I've mentioned it before, but we're going through pay cuts here at the school. In addition to that they announced on June 30th that they were going to be doing layoff's of at least 7 people, but most likely 11 people.

Originally they told us they would make a decision by June 15th, and inform everyone at that time. However they changed the timeline so we don't find out about who's getting laid off until June 21st. Woot!

Talk about a lack of motivation. How are you supposed to concentrate on all of those things you need to do to get ready for next year when you aren't even sure that you'll be around. I'm telling you that they know who they are laying off. They just can't tell us yet. Why make 58 people nervous, rather than just telling the 11.

In addition to that, things are happening around my family. I was looking at apartments, now I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the fact that I will probably be under my parents roof until I get married. I was looking at taking a few classes here, now I'm frantically searching the job boards.

Anyone else gone through or going through layoff's? Any thoughts about how to keep my spirits up?


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Before the engagement wedding planning

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

How much wedding planning do you think you can do before the official engagement? Is it really practical or a good idea to look at venues before your engaged?

Do your opinions change when I tell you it's the couple looking at spaces and listening to potential bands?

What if it's just the girl and her mom? What does that change?

I'm asking because I sort of feel weird about having discussions about my wedding when I'm not engaged, and yet I seem to have them all the time.

Are there other discussions like this? Somehow it's appropriate to talk about a mutual desire for children as early as the 5th date, but talking about what you'll name those kids... not appropriate until a few months before you decide to start trying. What are these invisible lines of social etiquette that we all have? How do we know what is appropriate, and what's not?

I've just finished a really interesting book called 'Live through this'. It's about a women who's two daughters run away at 12 and 14 and how she goes through the next 3 years of her life trying to find them/function/deal. It's this really interesting story in so many ways. Looking at the decline of her girls, how they went from normal 10 year olds to grungy street kids. How the 'system' is designed to help her children stay away, despite her good parenting and attempts to bring her girls home. How she deals with the two other girls she has, and trying to create a sense of normalcy for them when the other two are in and out of the house.

While I've been reading that, I've also started in on M@'s favorite book, 'Two years before the mast'. While it's been good, it's also very clunky, and I'm not just talking about the two 400 page hardback books I've actually been carrying around. He says it basically changed his life. That it influenced him so much when he was growing up. I just don't really see it. Interesting, sure, infuencing, not so much.

I just started into a book called 'Supergirls.' I didn't realize it was written by a 19 year old when I picked it up, but so far it's been annoying. I thought it was a collection of essays and thoughts by various industrious women. Really it's a look at the feminine ideal and today's media culture inspiring a generation of impossibly perfect yet ultimately f*ed up girls. Eh...

Someone at the office mentioned that layoff's might be imminent. Not really sure what to think about that. I really love it here, and it would suck to loose my job. At the same time, worrying about a layoff certainly isn't going to help me get better at my job or keep it any longer. I guess we'll just have to wait and see...


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paycuts and furloughs and layoffs Oh My!

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

We just got the first of what I'm sure will be numerous official letters about the upcoming Paycuts, possible furloughs and additional layoffs. So far we've had none of the above actually happen, but I'm positive that they will.

Since I work for a public university all of this information is public, and there has been LOTS of talk about it:

http://chronicle.com/news/article/6668/u-of-california-faculty-and-staff-members-could-face-8-pay-cut

For the record of this article, it's not the best one about the possible paycuts, but it is a public source. I'd also like to point out that I don't think I'm grossly overpaid. I think I'm paid okay, but it sucks that for the time I will work here I can never even think about getting a raise... I can barely contemplate getting cost of living. I can basically get 2% for the rest of my life, and now, they are going to take away the 2% everyone has earned for the last 4 years.... that sucks.

In this proposal that they sent out there were lots of interesting options. Option 1, just take away our money and we keep working the way we are. Option 2, they give us unpaid leave to make up for the $ they are taking. Option 3, they give us some unpaid leave, and make up the rest in a straight paycut.

Who in there right mind would say, "ah, just give me the paycut... that's cool..."

I've taken up event management gigs on the side to try to get a little extra cash flow. And my dad has decreased my rent by 1/5th to help cover the money I'm loosing. But no, I'm still not buying the expensive mustard. In fact, I'm barely getting by.


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Making Choices...or trying to...

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

6. Make choices. Today’s twenty-something has an upscale problem: an abundance of choices which often leads to making no choice at all. If decision making is a weak skill, find ways to build your decision making muscle. Resist the urge to call your friends and parents when faced with a decision. Make little choices each day on your own, without consulting anyone else (unless of course your choice directly affects another or others).

I've stolen this from the 'Frisky site' here. I'm not exactly sure, but this statement really makes sense for my twenty-something existence right now.

We all know I just got back from Alaska, and yes, I will talk about it, but right now I wanted to talk about this interesting conundrum I have. Making choices. Anyone who's gone out to eat with me, gone shopping with me, or hung around with me knows that I am terrible at making 'mundane' decisions. Give me a big decision (which college to go to, which job to take) and I'm good, but ask me what I want for dinner at the cheesecake factory and I'm like a wax stature, stuck in indecision.

What's bringing this up right now? Well over the Alaska trip there were several times when I just couldn't make a decision. There were menus with 17 or more items on them, and that was just the entrees. There were streets and streets and towns and towns filled with tourist shops. Trying to figure out which t-shirt to buy was just so overwhelming. I'm happy to say that I did make a decision, but not happy to say that Matt's sister Katelin got to witness my inability to make a decision.

Why is it that I can't decide which socks to buy, but between three job offers I know what's right? Why is it that almost every time I go shopping I will inevitably return about 1/3 of the items I buy? Is this a problem?

I have often debated the 'problem' that today's youth have, the overabundance of options and choices. When our parents went to work, they had one job, maybe two or three their whole lives. My current boss was just rewarded for 20 years at the same company! I've already worked for four different companies, and no, it's not the type of work that makes me move around so much.

When my grandfather decided to work, he chose a job, and then he planned to have that job for basically the rest of his life. If not that exact job, then certainly the same company and the same industry. My father was basically the same. He flitted around a little bit right after the military, then again after college, but ultimately he chose a career and then he stuck to it. Both of these people didn't have that many options. My father never thought to himself, 'hmm... I have a photographic degree, but maybe I want to become and airline pilot.' My mother was a teacher. She never thought to herself 'maybe I want to be a rock climbing instructor, or a dental x-ray technician. Forget about the degree and the work I've already put in, I want to do something else.'

Now, it's almost impossible to think about something you can't do. I was watching NCIS last night and I actually started to fill out an application for the Mossad. Do I speak Hebrew? No. Do I want to move to Israel right now? No. Do I really want to be part of a covert operations unit? No. But I have this overwhelming opinion that if I wanted to, I could. That nothing is off the table for me.

My dad used to say that all the time... that I could be anything I wanted to be. What do you think?


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Crazy woman..no really

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I have just come to the conclusion that I'm a little crazy. Okay, I'll give you a moment to nod your heads in agreement or cheer at my revelation...

Really though, I do tend to be a bit on the dramatic side. I'm dramatic, I'm overly invested and involved. I talk fast, type fast, walk fast. I go from tears to smiles and back again in an instant.

I also share much more personal information with people than I should. If you're reading this blog then you might agree with this assessment. Not sure why that is, sometimes it just comes out of my mouth. Perhaps it has something to do with me wanting to be a part of everything.

I wanted to say THANK YOU! Thank you for tolerating me, loving me, sharing with me. Thank you for being who you are, reading here, and deciding that I am important enough to be a part of your lives.

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