One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
I have decided that I will be happy. I have decided that this quest may not be as simple as I want it to be, in fact, it will probably be very difficult. However, I want it.
The question then remains, what is causing me to be unhappy? I don't think that there are people or situations or things that I can remove from my life. The things that I can affect are, and have always been, the way I respond to the things that happen in life.
I am going to change my expectations. In fact, I'm going to strive to REMOVE expectations from my life. It seems that the place where most people are challeneged by expectations, at work, is not where I am. I place expectations on people, friends and events all the time. All I end up doing is creating unhappiness. If my expectations are wrong, then I'm angry and upset. If they are right I'm not thankful that it happened, I'm probably just blaze.
So- no more expectations. I have just a few. I still expect not to get beaten by my boyfriends, that my parents will love me, and that my friends will not abuse me (emotionally, physically, etc).
I am also going to try to take a stance about the way I react to things. I CAN have an effect on the way I react. So, here goes.
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Monday, November 19, 2007
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Love Lists- because I need one
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
days when I can wake up to the sound of rain outside my window.
cuddling up in the cold with a nice comforter
Believing that I am beautiful, and that I deserve someone who knows that
thinking about the holidays and all the food that comes with them
starting out a new day, breathing in the air and being alive (mostly)
the smell of fresh baked challah
realizing that whatever comes today, I will be okay.
leaves that fall from the sky and land in appropriate places.
That my parents are still willing to read my papers
That I have two different interviews with two different companies
that I have nothing tying me down
the taste of chocolate in my mouth
honey
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days when I can wake up to the sound of rain outside my window.
cuddling up in the cold with a nice comforter
Believing that I am beautiful, and that I deserve someone who knows that
thinking about the holidays and all the food that comes with them
starting out a new day, breathing in the air and being alive (mostly)
the smell of fresh baked challah
realizing that whatever comes today, I will be okay.
leaves that fall from the sky and land in appropriate places.
That my parents are still willing to read my papers
That I have two different interviews with two different companies
that I have nothing tying me down
the taste of chocolate in my mouth
honey
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Can I really just be your friend? I thought you were my soulmate
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
This whole experience seems like such a dejayvu. I could swear I have walked down this exact path with you before. And, as much as I know that I'm not what you want, I couldn't help getting wrapped up in it again. In your arms, in your smile, in your eyes.
It's been proved beyond a doubt, however, that you do not want me. That all you want is my friendship.
I had thought that if we took a break between now and then, that when I walked into that party, looking beautiful and being happy- that you would remember that you love me; that you're in love with me, and that you want to be with me for the rest of my life. That's what I had thought.
It's obvious, however, that it was never going to happen like that.
So, let's take it one day at a time. Let's focus on the friendship, remember the boundaries that friends should have, and invest ourselves fully in other people.
And, just for the record, I don't have a problem driving. In fact I'm driving to Laguna Beach tonight for a birthday party. I just don't want to drive to an event with people I don't know, and arrive alone and by myself after the whole party has started without me. I'm not that adventurous I guess...but it has NOTHING to do with the idea of driving down by myself.
PS- I've been anxious to speak with you. About Jess and what she means, about the fact that you found your way here and you had so many things to say about it. So the fact that you cancelled twice when I had so many things on my mind just made it that much worse. Oh well, it doesn't matter now.
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This whole experience seems like such a dejayvu. I could swear I have walked down this exact path with you before. And, as much as I know that I'm not what you want, I couldn't help getting wrapped up in it again. In your arms, in your smile, in your eyes.
It's been proved beyond a doubt, however, that you do not want me. That all you want is my friendship.
I had thought that if we took a break between now and then, that when I walked into that party, looking beautiful and being happy- that you would remember that you love me; that you're in love with me, and that you want to be with me for the rest of my life. That's what I had thought.
It's obvious, however, that it was never going to happen like that.
So, let's take it one day at a time. Let's focus on the friendship, remember the boundaries that friends should have, and invest ourselves fully in other people.
And, just for the record, I don't have a problem driving. In fact I'm driving to Laguna Beach tonight for a birthday party. I just don't want to drive to an event with people I don't know, and arrive alone and by myself after the whole party has started without me. I'm not that adventurous I guess...but it has NOTHING to do with the idea of driving down by myself.
PS- I've been anxious to speak with you. About Jess and what she means, about the fact that you found your way here and you had so many things to say about it. So the fact that you cancelled twice when I had so many things on my mind just made it that much worse. Oh well, it doesn't matter now.
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Friday, November 16, 2007
It's not Narcissim...I promise.
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
There are days when I look in the mirror and I genuinely think that I'm pretty. Honestly, it's not like I'm staring at myself, but I do think that I have a certain beauty to me. I love those individual moments when, as I've just finished brushing my teeth and I look up in the mirror before I turn out the light, I catch my own eyes and I really do think that I'm pretty.
As a person I'm generally comfortable in my skin. I sleep naked, I spend much of the time in my apartment naked or in my underwear...I just think that this is how G-d made me, and that I should be pleased with what I am. I think I look good in dresses and skirts, just the same in pants and t-shirts. (no shorts, me and shorts do NOT get along).
90% of the time I think the underwear I'm wearing makes me feel like a sexy vixen. I totally love it.
And no, contrary to popular belief, I don't wear this underwear purely to please someone else who may look at it. I feel good knowing that I'm wearing a matching bra and panties. That I'm helping to keep boobs looking perky and my who existence sexy.
Not sure what brought all of this out, and again, I will specify that I am not narcissistic, but I do love myself- there's no shame in that.
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There are days when I look in the mirror and I genuinely think that I'm pretty. Honestly, it's not like I'm staring at myself, but I do think that I have a certain beauty to me. I love those individual moments when, as I've just finished brushing my teeth and I look up in the mirror before I turn out the light, I catch my own eyes and I really do think that I'm pretty.
As a person I'm generally comfortable in my skin. I sleep naked, I spend much of the time in my apartment naked or in my underwear...I just think that this is how G-d made me, and that I should be pleased with what I am. I think I look good in dresses and skirts, just the same in pants and t-shirts. (no shorts, me and shorts do NOT get along).
90% of the time I think the underwear I'm wearing makes me feel like a sexy vixen. I totally love it.
And no, contrary to popular belief, I don't wear this underwear purely to please someone else who may look at it. I feel good knowing that I'm wearing a matching bra and panties. That I'm helping to keep boobs looking perky and my who existence sexy.
Not sure what brought all of this out, and again, I will specify that I am not narcissistic, but I do love myself- there's no shame in that.
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Thursday, November 15, 2007
Twelve what?
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
1- number of cups of coffee I've ever had
2- pairs of sunglasses I keep in my purse, never having bought a single pair
3- glasses of tea on an average day
4- number of emergency room visits in an average year.
5- children I would like to have running through my house eventually.
6- the size of the holder 12 sailboat I learned to sail with.
7- number of toes I've broken.
8- gifts I try to give to friends of mine.
9- number of GRE practice tests I've thought about.
10- plus 5: amount of time I spend in the shower on an average morning.
11- times I've been on crutches with 2 broken bones and 9 sprained ankles.
12- winter coats in my socal closet.
What about your twelve?
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1- number of cups of coffee I've ever had
2- pairs of sunglasses I keep in my purse, never having bought a single pair
3- glasses of tea on an average day
4- number of emergency room visits in an average year.
5- children I would like to have running through my house eventually.
6- the size of the holder 12 sailboat I learned to sail with.
7- number of toes I've broken.
8- gifts I try to give to friends of mine.
9- number of GRE practice tests I've thought about.
10- plus 5: amount of time I spend in the shower on an average morning.
11- times I've been on crutches with 2 broken bones and 9 sprained ankles.
12- winter coats in my socal closet.
What about your twelve?
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Wednesday, November 14, 2007
when I think about rain, I think about singing- only I know I'm not so great
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
Ellipses:
Is the local one strike affecting many of my friends....when do we think it's going to be over...I love how they did this strike at the same time as the Writers, and I can't forget that Local 1 used to be Pittsburgh...I really want to travel to New York, but for $500 can't we just meet in the middle?....Thanks for the bag update David, I really appreciate that...to many papers to write, is this grad school thing really a good idea?....I'm actually excited to see my sister in the wedding dress, less excited about time with the future in-laws....it's not that he went to a hockey game, it's that he presented it like dropping me was so easy....What should I bake to celebrate the Thanksgiving Holidays, I was thinking cupcakes and oreo-cookie pie?....I miss Andrew's homemade pie, his cranberry sauce- the whole thing. When are you having that event?....My fortune said that I would be reconnecting with people from the past- any more lurking out there?....I really do want to start a family, preferably earlier rather than later....I'm not sleeping well, my back hurts, and I have NO flexibility. Help please...GRE is on Tuesday, I think I'm going to freak out a little more before it comes....I've decided to study/research Conservatory education students and how they involve with the greater campus community- any thoughts?....I can't really figure out where I want my life to go. Thinkwell, Cirque, USC, Student Affairs- there are just so many options.
I want to get in bed and fall asleep.
I want to hear the alarm and be excited about getting up.
I want to be able to go shopping or do something productive before work.
Oh well- another day tomorrow.
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Ellipses:
Is the local one strike affecting many of my friends....when do we think it's going to be over...I love how they did this strike at the same time as the Writers, and I can't forget that Local 1 used to be Pittsburgh...I really want to travel to New York, but for $500 can't we just meet in the middle?....Thanks for the bag update David, I really appreciate that...to many papers to write, is this grad school thing really a good idea?....I'm actually excited to see my sister in the wedding dress, less excited about time with the future in-laws....it's not that he went to a hockey game, it's that he presented it like dropping me was so easy....What should I bake to celebrate the Thanksgiving Holidays, I was thinking cupcakes and oreo-cookie pie?....I miss Andrew's homemade pie, his cranberry sauce- the whole thing. When are you having that event?....My fortune said that I would be reconnecting with people from the past- any more lurking out there?....I really do want to start a family, preferably earlier rather than later....I'm not sleeping well, my back hurts, and I have NO flexibility. Help please...GRE is on Tuesday, I think I'm going to freak out a little more before it comes....I've decided to study/research Conservatory education students and how they involve with the greater campus community- any thoughts?....I can't really figure out where I want my life to go. Thinkwell, Cirque, USC, Student Affairs- there are just so many options.
I want to get in bed and fall asleep.
I want to hear the alarm and be excited about getting up.
I want to be able to go shopping or do something productive before work.
Oh well- another day tomorrow.
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Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Specific notes to the ether-
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
I'm not sure how you found me, but I'm glad you did. I remember that fight we had while camping; but I also have the bottle of coke that we bought at Wal-mart after the long ridiculous bike ride up to Foothill Ranch. I'm glad that you are doing well, and I really do want to talk to you. Please call me, know that I care, and that I'm willing to explore a relationship again. I'm scared, and worried that I'll get hurt again, but I miss your friendship too- all the way down to the illicit trips for canned frosting...
PS- How did you find me. People who knew I had a blog couldn't find me...
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I'm not sure how you found me, but I'm glad you did. I remember that fight we had while camping; but I also have the bottle of coke that we bought at Wal-mart after the long ridiculous bike ride up to Foothill Ranch. I'm glad that you are doing well, and I really do want to talk to you. Please call me, know that I care, and that I'm willing to explore a relationship again. I'm scared, and worried that I'll get hurt again, but I miss your friendship too- all the way down to the illicit trips for canned frosting...
PS- How did you find me. People who knew I had a blog couldn't find me...
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