One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
I can't believe it's been a month. And it's been a tumultuous one at that....
I'm not exactly sure what to say, except that things don't feel right. I don't want anyone getting unnecessarily worried about me, but I can say with certainty that I don't feel right.
I went to the doctor yesterday, and she tried to help me sort through some things. In the end, we determined that I'm not pregnant, I'm not depressed, but I am going through some emotional stuff.
Everyone I talk to wants to blame it all on the upcoming wedding. If it's not the wedding, then it's probably the changing of jobs... maybe the reason is the moving...
I'm just not sure. If you ask me to tell you how I feel about changing jobs, I would honestly tell you that leaving the old one sucks, but so far I'm learning a lot and am excited about the new one. If you asked me if I was blissfully happy, then clearly the answer would be no.. .however, I'm working, and trying to stay busy...
As for the wedding, if I look at it honestly from an event perspective, things are running smoothly. My parents have finally butted out, and there are answers to the biggest questions. I have food and drink, a Rabbi and flowers... I have a pretty dress to get married in...and of course, I still have the man who loves me and wants me.
So- if I mentally think that all of these things are doing fine, why do I cry about 3 times a week?
This, my friends, is the question.
I don't like to admit it, but I think that I am actually really nervous about getting married. I'm not nervous about my love, I'm not nervous about having chosen the most wonderful person I could ever be with... but I'm nervous non-the-less.
I'm not nervous about the logistics, I know that will all work out- in fact I'm still getting compliments about the things I've done and planned so far...
But then, what am I nervous about. I keep wondering about the work, the effort. About how changing me into we, but still keeping the I.
Did that make any sense?
Ramble, ramble, ramble... then cry.
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2 comments:
My father always tells me that it's natural to have a strong emotional reaction when we go through a major change in life. Emotionally, it's hard to adjust to change and it throws us into a bit of an upheaval. It's rough, but eventually we adjust and it passes. You've moved, started a new job, and are planning to get married. That's a lot of change, and it's perfectly understandable that you need some adjustment time.
Chaning the me into we while keeping the I is, I think, the really scary part of getting married. I've seen couples that did it well, and couples that did it poorly. Quite a few of the latter wind up divorced.
I don't claim to be any sort of expert, but I think one of the keys is for each person to get some alone time now and then. Stay home and read a book, or play with the cat, while he has his bowling night, and he stays home and plays computer games when you go out for your sewing circle.
Open communication about the chores can also help: who's going to write the checks to pay the bills, who goes through the mail, who washes the dishes... everything that you did for yourself that you now do as a unit. Do you each do your own laundry? Who makes sure the car insurance is up to date?
These are little things; but if you nip little things in the bud they never become big things.
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