Thursday, July 15, 2010

Long time

I started this blog so many months, maybe even years, ago. I wanted a place where I could share my thoughts... be honest about my feelings.

When I started this, I was a college student who presumably new it all. I needed a space to share the things I thought I couldn't tell anyone.

Now, I'm married. To the man of my dreams... who I think is even mentioned here... somewhere.

Now, I've finally figured out that if you need a place to share your thoughts, it should be with your family, your friends, your husband. If you can't say it to the people it will impact, then chances are good there is something wrong with your thoughts...

either a.) they are hurtful to the other... well then you need to own them, or dismiss them.
b.) people will dismiss them... well, then you're friends and family aren't committed, or you haven't figured out how to properly communicate.

I don't know that I need this space to share these thoughts anymore. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing here.

I was posting regularly... now that I'm not... where should I take this?

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Thursday, March 18, 2010

Busy Busy Weddingbee

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Things have been busy in the soon-to-be Miller household. We've been spending almost every single evening doing either something wedding related, or just out and about.

We've started dance lessons with Arthur Murray. I'm still very torn about the whole thing, but the money's been paid, so I hope it turns out to be a fun time. We're taking 7 private lessons and another 14 group type lessons. I can only hope that this really is the investment in our future that we think it is. It's just such a funny system, but I can definitely say that if anyone wants to be making some money and doesn't mind working evenings, dance lessons are definitely a racket.

I'm still working on our Ketubah with a vengeance. I'm trying hard to find one that really reflects us both, and is written on Klaf parchment. (actual animal skin). This seems really important to Matthew, so I'm trying to make it work.

We've run into some difficulties with things being slightly confusing. Lots of times where I swear that we agreed that he would do something by a certain time, but then it hasn't gotten done. It's not about the things most of the time, it's about the fact that it just seems so irrelevant to him to do them on the timeline we've agreed to. Does that make sense? It frustrates me so much because then I don't think I can believe him when he says he will do something- then he gets mad at me for not trusting him, and we go round and round with the same issues.

All the while this stuff is going on I'm enjoying life more and more. I think we've really started to hit into a nice pattern of being in love, being there for each other, and generally enjoying each others company. I'm a little miffed about how all of these things keep happening, but I certainly think that I like it.

Matt's still looking for work, so if anyone is in the Consumer products industry, let me know...

We're at about 80 days... wow...

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Thursday, February 11, 2010

Jew- ish?

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Today I want to talk about making the choice to change religions. I've been in a quandry lately as being mean, and inconsiderate to my partners religious beliefs and traditions.

I had always thought that I was so clear. I'm not interested in a mixed religion marriage. To say that I don't mean that I'm not interested in marrying a man who isn't Jewish. Clearly that's true, since I'm marrying a Christian. I just mean that I expect to have a house and a family that is not two religions, but one. And yes, that one, is Judaism.

When I have been confronted by people from his family, I keep getting the message that they expect me to have a two religion home. To somehow 'respect' his traditions and upbringing. I think it's one thing to say that I respect Christianity. I respect his emotional connection to those rituals. I respect his desire to continue to celebrate these traditions with his family and our children when the time comes.

I think it's something different to decide that these traditions and experiences need a place in our home. yes, I say our home. We will build a home, we will build a set of traditions. As far as I can tell, we're mostly comfortable with the choices we're making. Yes, there are some 'sticky' points, but NO, we don't have to really figure them all out now.

I just want to understand how I am supposed to 'respect' his traditions, but still be able to clearly define my home as one in which these traditions are outside of the religious scope of our family...?

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Thursday, February 4, 2010

Busy wedding, busy work= busy Izzy

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Yes, I know, I rejected the 'busy Izzy' for many years in school, but right now... it's the truth.

The wedding is less than 4 months away. Yes, you read that right- it's the first weekend in June, so it's about 4 months out, which I totally can't believe. There are so many little details that I'm trying to plan out. If you're in the area and haven't already started to collect glass jars for me (jelly, pasta, etc), then now is the time to start! Every weekend is filled with some sort of wedding related item, from trying on shoes with the dress (FUN!) to hammering out the guest list details (not so fun)...

I'm also starting to train for a triathlon right now. I know, I'm crazy. Unfortunately the mud-run that I do every year in October has decided to move to June, and that means I won't be able to participate. It's about a week after the wedding when I plan to be lounging around Costa Rica. So my sister suggested that I take up tri's, and I've started to train. I bought a swim cap and goggles and am on day three.

Work is getting really busy- with two events this month, and our really large events coming up in April and May. My biggest event of the season is about two weeks before the wedding- that should be fun. I'm trying to get PO's done, and I'm still at that learning phase where everything is difficult and I have to ask a lot of questions to get things done...

Okay- enough about me... how are you? who's out there? anyone at all?

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Thursday, January 14, 2010

Over a month- Again

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I can't believe it's been a month. And it's been a tumultuous one at that....

I'm not exactly sure what to say, except that things don't feel right. I don't want anyone getting unnecessarily worried about me, but I can say with certainty that I don't feel right.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and she tried to help me sort through some things. In the end, we determined that I'm not pregnant, I'm not depressed, but I am going through some emotional stuff.

Everyone I talk to wants to blame it all on the upcoming wedding. If it's not the wedding, then it's probably the changing of jobs... maybe the reason is the moving...

I'm just not sure. If you ask me to tell you how I feel about changing jobs, I would honestly tell you that leaving the old one sucks, but so far I'm learning a lot and am excited about the new one. If you asked me if I was blissfully happy, then clearly the answer would be no.. .however, I'm working, and trying to stay busy...

As for the wedding, if I look at it honestly from an event perspective, things are running smoothly. My parents have finally butted out, and there are answers to the biggest questions. I have food and drink, a Rabbi and flowers... I have a pretty dress to get married in...and of course, I still have the man who loves me and wants me.

So- if I mentally think that all of these things are doing fine, why do I cry about 3 times a week?

This, my friends, is the question.

I don't like to admit it, but I think that I am actually really nervous about getting married. I'm not nervous about my love, I'm not nervous about having chosen the most wonderful person I could ever be with... but I'm nervous non-the-less.

I'm not nervous about the logistics, I know that will all work out- in fact I'm still getting compliments about the things I've done and planned so far...

But then, what am I nervous about. I keep wondering about the work, the effort. About how changing me into we, but still keeping the I.

Did that make any sense?

Ramble, ramble, ramble... then cry.

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Thursday, December 3, 2009

I bought a DRESS!

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

That's right folks... it seems like this wedding thing might actually happen. I bought a dress while up in San Jose with my sister. It's gorgeous, and I feel so happy that I found it, and that I love it.

I think I'm going to have a cute little jacket made for me, to give me a 'different look' at the wedding (which is totally in nowadays!).

Other than that I've designed the program, I've finalized the guest list, I've written a 14 page logistics information sheet.

However, no caterer, no photographer, and no florist. Don't even ask me about the DJ or band, because that hasn't happened yet either.

UCLA is still a lot of fun, and I've started to do interviews for perspective CMUers. The holiday party season is definitely starting to get moving, so I'm really excited about that too!

I'm going to try to get back into a format of some sort while here at UCLA. I guess we'll see if that works!

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Thursday, November 5, 2009

UCLA and the Wedding

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

The title is my life... UCLA and the Wedding. Those are the two things that I'm doing in total... basically trying to schedule one around the other, doing my best in both areas while they both sort of kick my ass.

UCLA is great. So far, I'm really enjoying working there. It's complicated though, because it's a new job and I'm nervous about doing things wrong and not being responsible for the things I need to do. It's a different system then I'm used to. You would think that all of the UC's are the same, but they really are very different.

The Wedding. I don't think my father realizes how much he makes me cry sometimes. It's just sad that I get so upset, but I don't know what to do. He yells at me and my ideas, and it just breaks my heart.

I've arranged meetings with practically everyone, three photographers, two caterers, one florist. I'm working hard to try to make all of these arrangements.

Living with Matt has been wonderful. It's so nice to have someone at home, someone who loves me. Most of the complications are being sorted out, and my favorite moment of the day is in the AM, when he pulls me close and tells me he loves me. waking up at least 20 minutes before he needs to just so I can know his love. That's amazing.

The house is a bit of a wreck, but the kitchen is pretty solidly clean, and that's nice.

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