One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
Yes, I know, I rejected the 'busy Izzy' for many years in school, but right now... it's the truth.
The wedding is less than 4 months away. Yes, you read that right- it's the first weekend in June, so it's about 4 months out, which I totally can't believe. There are so many little details that I'm trying to plan out. If you're in the area and haven't already started to collect glass jars for me (jelly, pasta, etc), then now is the time to start! Every weekend is filled with some sort of wedding related item, from trying on shoes with the dress (FUN!) to hammering out the guest list details (not so fun)...
I'm also starting to train for a triathlon right now. I know, I'm crazy. Unfortunately the mud-run that I do every year in October has decided to move to June, and that means I won't be able to participate. It's about a week after the wedding when I plan to be lounging around Costa Rica. So my sister suggested that I take up tri's, and I've started to train. I bought a swim cap and goggles and am on day three.
Work is getting really busy- with two events this month, and our really large events coming up in April and May. My biggest event of the season is about two weeks before the wedding- that should be fun. I'm trying to get PO's done, and I'm still at that learning phase where everything is difficult and I have to ask a lot of questions to get things done...
Okay- enough about me... how are you? who's out there? anyone at all?
Print Page
Showing posts with label me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label me. Show all posts
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Over a month- Again
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
I can't believe it's been a month. And it's been a tumultuous one at that....
I'm not exactly sure what to say, except that things don't feel right. I don't want anyone getting unnecessarily worried about me, but I can say with certainty that I don't feel right.
I went to the doctor yesterday, and she tried to help me sort through some things. In the end, we determined that I'm not pregnant, I'm not depressed, but I am going through some emotional stuff.
Everyone I talk to wants to blame it all on the upcoming wedding. If it's not the wedding, then it's probably the changing of jobs... maybe the reason is the moving...
I'm just not sure. If you ask me to tell you how I feel about changing jobs, I would honestly tell you that leaving the old one sucks, but so far I'm learning a lot and am excited about the new one. If you asked me if I was blissfully happy, then clearly the answer would be no.. .however, I'm working, and trying to stay busy...
As for the wedding, if I look at it honestly from an event perspective, things are running smoothly. My parents have finally butted out, and there are answers to the biggest questions. I have food and drink, a Rabbi and flowers... I have a pretty dress to get married in...and of course, I still have the man who loves me and wants me.
So- if I mentally think that all of these things are doing fine, why do I cry about 3 times a week?
This, my friends, is the question.
I don't like to admit it, but I think that I am actually really nervous about getting married. I'm not nervous about my love, I'm not nervous about having chosen the most wonderful person I could ever be with... but I'm nervous non-the-less.
I'm not nervous about the logistics, I know that will all work out- in fact I'm still getting compliments about the things I've done and planned so far...
But then, what am I nervous about. I keep wondering about the work, the effort. About how changing me into we, but still keeping the I.
Did that make any sense?
Ramble, ramble, ramble... then cry.
Print Page
I can't believe it's been a month. And it's been a tumultuous one at that....
I'm not exactly sure what to say, except that things don't feel right. I don't want anyone getting unnecessarily worried about me, but I can say with certainty that I don't feel right.
I went to the doctor yesterday, and she tried to help me sort through some things. In the end, we determined that I'm not pregnant, I'm not depressed, but I am going through some emotional stuff.
Everyone I talk to wants to blame it all on the upcoming wedding. If it's not the wedding, then it's probably the changing of jobs... maybe the reason is the moving...
I'm just not sure. If you ask me to tell you how I feel about changing jobs, I would honestly tell you that leaving the old one sucks, but so far I'm learning a lot and am excited about the new one. If you asked me if I was blissfully happy, then clearly the answer would be no.. .however, I'm working, and trying to stay busy...
As for the wedding, if I look at it honestly from an event perspective, things are running smoothly. My parents have finally butted out, and there are answers to the biggest questions. I have food and drink, a Rabbi and flowers... I have a pretty dress to get married in...and of course, I still have the man who loves me and wants me.
So- if I mentally think that all of these things are doing fine, why do I cry about 3 times a week?
This, my friends, is the question.
I don't like to admit it, but I think that I am actually really nervous about getting married. I'm not nervous about my love, I'm not nervous about having chosen the most wonderful person I could ever be with... but I'm nervous non-the-less.
I'm not nervous about the logistics, I know that will all work out- in fact I'm still getting compliments about the things I've done and planned so far...
But then, what am I nervous about. I keep wondering about the work, the effort. About how changing me into we, but still keeping the I.
Did that make any sense?
Ramble, ramble, ramble... then cry.
Print Page
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Big Decision Week
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
There have been some very interesting events here at work. They have opened up two jobs that only the people that have been laid-off can apply for. One is in marketing, the other is the assistant to the dean position. I have to make up my mind if I want to apply for either or both of these positions by Friday.
On another note, I have to decide about grad school at USC by Friday. I have been putting off this decision, hoping that something might happen to make the decision easier, but so far, no luck in bringing down the astronomical cost of attendance. I just can't justify taking on that much in loans right now, especially unemployed.
Other than that I'm trying to keep busy at work. It's a little tough, especially when my boss is out for the next three weeks.
Print Page
There have been some very interesting events here at work. They have opened up two jobs that only the people that have been laid-off can apply for. One is in marketing, the other is the assistant to the dean position. I have to make up my mind if I want to apply for either or both of these positions by Friday.
On another note, I have to decide about grad school at USC by Friday. I have been putting off this decision, hoping that something might happen to make the decision easier, but so far, no luck in bringing down the astronomical cost of attendance. I just can't justify taking on that much in loans right now, especially unemployed.
Other than that I'm trying to keep busy at work. It's a little tough, especially when my boss is out for the next three weeks.
Print Page
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Before the engagement wedding planning
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
How much wedding planning do you think you can do before the official engagement? Is it really practical or a good idea to look at venues before your engaged?
Do your opinions change when I tell you it's the couple looking at spaces and listening to potential bands?
What if it's just the girl and her mom? What does that change?
I'm asking because I sort of feel weird about having discussions about my wedding when I'm not engaged, and yet I seem to have them all the time.
Are there other discussions like this? Somehow it's appropriate to talk about a mutual desire for children as early as the 5th date, but talking about what you'll name those kids... not appropriate until a few months before you decide to start trying. What are these invisible lines of social etiquette that we all have? How do we know what is appropriate, and what's not?
I've just finished a really interesting book called 'Live through this'. It's about a women who's two daughters run away at 12 and 14 and how she goes through the next 3 years of her life trying to find them/function/deal. It's this really interesting story in so many ways. Looking at the decline of her girls, how they went from normal 10 year olds to grungy street kids. How the 'system' is designed to help her children stay away, despite her good parenting and attempts to bring her girls home. How she deals with the two other girls she has, and trying to create a sense of normalcy for them when the other two are in and out of the house.
While I've been reading that, I've also started in on M@'s favorite book, 'Two years before the mast'. While it's been good, it's also very clunky, and I'm not just talking about the two 400 page hardback books I've actually been carrying around. He says it basically changed his life. That it influenced him so much when he was growing up. I just don't really see it. Interesting, sure, infuencing, not so much.
I just started into a book called 'Supergirls.' I didn't realize it was written by a 19 year old when I picked it up, but so far it's been annoying. I thought it was a collection of essays and thoughts by various industrious women. Really it's a look at the feminine ideal and today's media culture inspiring a generation of impossibly perfect yet ultimately f*ed up girls. Eh...
Someone at the office mentioned that layoff's might be imminent. Not really sure what to think about that. I really love it here, and it would suck to loose my job. At the same time, worrying about a layoff certainly isn't going to help me get better at my job or keep it any longer. I guess we'll just have to wait and see...
Print Page
How much wedding planning do you think you can do before the official engagement? Is it really practical or a good idea to look at venues before your engaged?
Do your opinions change when I tell you it's the couple looking at spaces and listening to potential bands?
What if it's just the girl and her mom? What does that change?
I'm asking because I sort of feel weird about having discussions about my wedding when I'm not engaged, and yet I seem to have them all the time.
Are there other discussions like this? Somehow it's appropriate to talk about a mutual desire for children as early as the 5th date, but talking about what you'll name those kids... not appropriate until a few months before you decide to start trying. What are these invisible lines of social etiquette that we all have? How do we know what is appropriate, and what's not?
I've just finished a really interesting book called 'Live through this'. It's about a women who's two daughters run away at 12 and 14 and how she goes through the next 3 years of her life trying to find them/function/deal. It's this really interesting story in so many ways. Looking at the decline of her girls, how they went from normal 10 year olds to grungy street kids. How the 'system' is designed to help her children stay away, despite her good parenting and attempts to bring her girls home. How she deals with the two other girls she has, and trying to create a sense of normalcy for them when the other two are in and out of the house.
While I've been reading that, I've also started in on M@'s favorite book, 'Two years before the mast'. While it's been good, it's also very clunky, and I'm not just talking about the two 400 page hardback books I've actually been carrying around. He says it basically changed his life. That it influenced him so much when he was growing up. I just don't really see it. Interesting, sure, infuencing, not so much.
I just started into a book called 'Supergirls.' I didn't realize it was written by a 19 year old when I picked it up, but so far it's been annoying. I thought it was a collection of essays and thoughts by various industrious women. Really it's a look at the feminine ideal and today's media culture inspiring a generation of impossibly perfect yet ultimately f*ed up girls. Eh...
Someone at the office mentioned that layoff's might be imminent. Not really sure what to think about that. I really love it here, and it would suck to loose my job. At the same time, worrying about a layoff certainly isn't going to help me get better at my job or keep it any longer. I guess we'll just have to wait and see...
Print Page
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Making Choices...or trying to...
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
6. Make choices. Today’s twenty-something has an upscale problem: an abundance of choices which often leads to making no choice at all. If decision making is a weak skill, find ways to build your decision making muscle. Resist the urge to call your friends and parents when faced with a decision. Make little choices each day on your own, without consulting anyone else (unless of course your choice directly affects another or others).
I've stolen this from the 'Frisky site' here. I'm not exactly sure, but this statement really makes sense for my twenty-something existence right now.
We all know I just got back from Alaska, and yes, I will talk about it, but right now I wanted to talk about this interesting conundrum I have. Making choices. Anyone who's gone out to eat with me, gone shopping with me, or hung around with me knows that I am terrible at making 'mundane' decisions. Give me a big decision (which college to go to, which job to take) and I'm good, but ask me what I want for dinner at the cheesecake factory and I'm like a wax stature, stuck in indecision.
What's bringing this up right now? Well over the Alaska trip there were several times when I just couldn't make a decision. There were menus with 17 or more items on them, and that was just the entrees. There were streets and streets and towns and towns filled with tourist shops. Trying to figure out which t-shirt to buy was just so overwhelming. I'm happy to say that I did make a decision, but not happy to say that Matt's sister Katelin got to witness my inability to make a decision.
Why is it that I can't decide which socks to buy, but between three job offers I know what's right? Why is it that almost every time I go shopping I will inevitably return about 1/3 of the items I buy? Is this a problem?
I have often debated the 'problem' that today's youth have, the overabundance of options and choices. When our parents went to work, they had one job, maybe two or three their whole lives. My current boss was just rewarded for 20 years at the same company! I've already worked for four different companies, and no, it's not the type of work that makes me move around so much.
When my grandfather decided to work, he chose a job, and then he planned to have that job for basically the rest of his life. If not that exact job, then certainly the same company and the same industry. My father was basically the same. He flitted around a little bit right after the military, then again after college, but ultimately he chose a career and then he stuck to it. Both of these people didn't have that many options. My father never thought to himself, 'hmm... I have a photographic degree, but maybe I want to become and airline pilot.' My mother was a teacher. She never thought to herself 'maybe I want to be a rock climbing instructor, or a dental x-ray technician. Forget about the degree and the work I've already put in, I want to do something else.'
Now, it's almost impossible to think about something you can't do. I was watching NCIS last night and I actually started to fill out an application for the Mossad. Do I speak Hebrew? No. Do I want to move to Israel right now? No. Do I really want to be part of a covert operations unit? No. But I have this overwhelming opinion that if I wanted to, I could. That nothing is off the table for me.
My dad used to say that all the time... that I could be anything I wanted to be. What do you think?
Print Page
6. Make choices. Today’s twenty-something has an upscale problem: an abundance of choices which often leads to making no choice at all. If decision making is a weak skill, find ways to build your decision making muscle. Resist the urge to call your friends and parents when faced with a decision. Make little choices each day on your own, without consulting anyone else (unless of course your choice directly affects another or others).
I've stolen this from the 'Frisky site' here. I'm not exactly sure, but this statement really makes sense for my twenty-something existence right now.
We all know I just got back from Alaska, and yes, I will talk about it, but right now I wanted to talk about this interesting conundrum I have. Making choices. Anyone who's gone out to eat with me, gone shopping with me, or hung around with me knows that I am terrible at making 'mundane' decisions. Give me a big decision (which college to go to, which job to take) and I'm good, but ask me what I want for dinner at the cheesecake factory and I'm like a wax stature, stuck in indecision.
What's bringing this up right now? Well over the Alaska trip there were several times when I just couldn't make a decision. There were menus with 17 or more items on them, and that was just the entrees. There were streets and streets and towns and towns filled with tourist shops. Trying to figure out which t-shirt to buy was just so overwhelming. I'm happy to say that I did make a decision, but not happy to say that Matt's sister Katelin got to witness my inability to make a decision.
Why is it that I can't decide which socks to buy, but between three job offers I know what's right? Why is it that almost every time I go shopping I will inevitably return about 1/3 of the items I buy? Is this a problem?
I have often debated the 'problem' that today's youth have, the overabundance of options and choices. When our parents went to work, they had one job, maybe two or three their whole lives. My current boss was just rewarded for 20 years at the same company! I've already worked for four different companies, and no, it's not the type of work that makes me move around so much.
When my grandfather decided to work, he chose a job, and then he planned to have that job for basically the rest of his life. If not that exact job, then certainly the same company and the same industry. My father was basically the same. He flitted around a little bit right after the military, then again after college, but ultimately he chose a career and then he stuck to it. Both of these people didn't have that many options. My father never thought to himself, 'hmm... I have a photographic degree, but maybe I want to become and airline pilot.' My mother was a teacher. She never thought to herself 'maybe I want to be a rock climbing instructor, or a dental x-ray technician. Forget about the degree and the work I've already put in, I want to do something else.'
Now, it's almost impossible to think about something you can't do. I was watching NCIS last night and I actually started to fill out an application for the Mossad. Do I speak Hebrew? No. Do I want to move to Israel right now? No. Do I really want to be part of a covert operations unit? No. But I have this overwhelming opinion that if I wanted to, I could. That nothing is off the table for me.
My dad used to say that all the time... that I could be anything I wanted to be. What do you think?
Print Page
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Crazy woman..no really
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
I have just come to the conclusion that I'm a little crazy. Okay, I'll give you a moment to nod your heads in agreement or cheer at my revelation...
Really though, I do tend to be a bit on the dramatic side. I'm dramatic, I'm overly invested and involved. I talk fast, type fast, walk fast. I go from tears to smiles and back again in an instant.
I also share much more personal information with people than I should. If you're reading this blog then you might agree with this assessment. Not sure why that is, sometimes it just comes out of my mouth. Perhaps it has something to do with me wanting to be a part of everything.
I wanted to say THANK YOU! Thank you for tolerating me, loving me, sharing with me. Thank you for being who you are, reading here, and deciding that I am important enough to be a part of your lives.
Print Page
I have just come to the conclusion that I'm a little crazy. Okay, I'll give you a moment to nod your heads in agreement or cheer at my revelation...
Really though, I do tend to be a bit on the dramatic side. I'm dramatic, I'm overly invested and involved. I talk fast, type fast, walk fast. I go from tears to smiles and back again in an instant.
I also share much more personal information with people than I should. If you're reading this blog then you might agree with this assessment. Not sure why that is, sometimes it just comes out of my mouth. Perhaps it has something to do with me wanting to be a part of everything.
I wanted to say THANK YOU! Thank you for tolerating me, loving me, sharing with me. Thank you for being who you are, reading here, and deciding that I am important enough to be a part of your lives.
Print Page
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Happy Passover
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
Happy Passover! Happy Easter! Happy Spring Equinox!
Passover is my absolute favorite holiday. Every where I go people are discussing the difficult cleaning rules, the lack of pizza and the general dislike of our Exodus remeberance event. For me, it's a pure joy.
This year I succeeded in a way I would have never thought possible. I cleaned a house for Passover, feeling reasonably to entirely sure that all the non-allowed Chametz was actually removed. Now, granted, I didn't search my house with a candle and a feather, but that $120 cleaning sure did a great job. I attended two seders, one lasting until almost 1am. I hosted a third, though slightly irrelevant, seder where I introduced this beloved holiday of mine to many new people. I successfully convinced those who live with me that they should avoid not only wheat and flour, but also the requisite corn and corn syrup us wonderful Ashkenasik Jews love so much.
Additionally I managed to make not just one new dish, but 4, each of which turned out quite well. I basted and roasted two entire chickens, and I felt quite good about the whole thing. I did all of that cooking after having attended an Easter Brunch.
I'm not going to say it was perfect, there were certainly enough tears to tell me that, but I am going to say that I think it worked, and that I'm slightly sad it's almost over.
Print Page
Happy Passover! Happy Easter! Happy Spring Equinox!
Passover is my absolute favorite holiday. Every where I go people are discussing the difficult cleaning rules, the lack of pizza and the general dislike of our Exodus remeberance event. For me, it's a pure joy.
This year I succeeded in a way I would have never thought possible. I cleaned a house for Passover, feeling reasonably to entirely sure that all the non-allowed Chametz was actually removed. Now, granted, I didn't search my house with a candle and a feather, but that $120 cleaning sure did a great job. I attended two seders, one lasting until almost 1am. I hosted a third, though slightly irrelevant, seder where I introduced this beloved holiday of mine to many new people. I successfully convinced those who live with me that they should avoid not only wheat and flour, but also the requisite corn and corn syrup us wonderful Ashkenasik Jews love so much.
Additionally I managed to make not just one new dish, but 4, each of which turned out quite well. I basted and roasted two entire chickens, and I felt quite good about the whole thing. I did all of that cooking after having attended an Easter Brunch.
I'm not going to say it was perfect, there were certainly enough tears to tell me that, but I am going to say that I think it worked, and that I'm slightly sad it's almost over.
Print Page
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Trying to find the balance
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
It's amazing to me how much I struggle for balance in my life. Yes, I might be a libra, but I never thought that image of a woman holding scales would apply to me... it seems, however, that the more I struggle for balance the more I take on and the less balanced I become.
I try to excercise and achieve balance in my diet and my life. Then I end up going to the gym two times a week, missing phone calls and important dinners and feeling extremely sore.
I try to make new friends by attending events, joining organizations and participating. Then I'm so busy participating that when one of my new friends wants to do something I'm to busy.
I try to work hard and ensure that I'm an important part of the team. Then I end up working long hours and tired; to tired to volunteer to come in on the saturday when they need me.
I try to be in love, and acknowledge that my boyfriend isn't perfect. Then he goes out of his way to go to something with me, only to not enjoy it and we end up slightly unhappy and tired.
I try to do the dishes, keep a clean room and home for my mother. Then because I'm so busy and I can't make dinner I get yelled at- forget that I was the one who cleaned the kitchen from dinner the last four nights.
I try to be a good maid-of-honor, struggling to make plans that everyone can attend. Then when I finally get to finishing it all off I find out that I'm not trying hard enough, and that my thoughts are totally irrelevant.
I try to be a spritual person, with a Jewish note in my life. Then when I try to honor the fast I miss lunch with friend; when I want to say prayers in the morning shower my boyfriend thinks I'm weird.
The best laid plans of mice and men.
Men plan, G-d laughs.
Print Page
It's amazing to me how much I struggle for balance in my life. Yes, I might be a libra, but I never thought that image of a woman holding scales would apply to me... it seems, however, that the more I struggle for balance the more I take on and the less balanced I become.
I try to excercise and achieve balance in my diet and my life. Then I end up going to the gym two times a week, missing phone calls and important dinners and feeling extremely sore.
I try to make new friends by attending events, joining organizations and participating. Then I'm so busy participating that when one of my new friends wants to do something I'm to busy.
I try to work hard and ensure that I'm an important part of the team. Then I end up working long hours and tired; to tired to volunteer to come in on the saturday when they need me.
I try to be in love, and acknowledge that my boyfriend isn't perfect. Then he goes out of his way to go to something with me, only to not enjoy it and we end up slightly unhappy and tired.
I try to do the dishes, keep a clean room and home for my mother. Then because I'm so busy and I can't make dinner I get yelled at- forget that I was the one who cleaned the kitchen from dinner the last four nights.
I try to be a good maid-of-honor, struggling to make plans that everyone can attend. Then when I finally get to finishing it all off I find out that I'm not trying hard enough, and that my thoughts are totally irrelevant.
I try to be a spritual person, with a Jewish note in my life. Then when I try to honor the fast I miss lunch with friend; when I want to say prayers in the morning shower my boyfriend thinks I'm weird.
The best laid plans of mice and men.
Men plan, G-d laughs.
Print Page
Monday, January 12, 2009
What a weekend
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
I want to start off this post by saying how wonderful the weekend was. To describe the happiness at reading a book outside on the beach, that I didn't take a nose-dive on my roller skates, and that my parents loved the Hockey game was saw. That the Ducks and the Steelers won, and that the game played at Nikki's house was delightful. Even with all this good, I can't help but want to recall the bad.
Sometime on Thursday evening, the world sort of feel apart. I discussed things with Matthew, and no matter what the responses were, I was annoyed by them. Annoyed to the degree that I spent over 30 minutes searching the house for chocolate, having to settle on Chocolate pudding (of the sugar-free fat-free variety which does very little to actually solve a chocolate crisis). I proceeded to argue loudly and determinedly with my father and generally went to bed angry. Following that I got up angry. I went about my day fairly angry. Though I'm sure my colleagues couldn't really tell nonetheless I know that I was angry. I dejected the fairly straightforward healthy eating I had been doing so great at. I rejected any attempts my own psyche made to correct the attitudinal problem.
Then Matthew called again. He, of course, had no idea I spent the bulk of the day angry and pissed off. He had no idea that I felt that it was mostly his fault. We proceeded to attempt to resolve the problems we were discussing the night before, to little or no avail. Remembering my lunch conversations that day I even tried out a tip from Ron... but to no avail. My anger continued to boil and fester and grow. I tried to remain calm, to talk rationally. Every attempt was rebuffed with anger from the other side, or from an accusation that I was 'yelling.' Still, I got in the car to attempt to go to a friends house. To enjoy the Friday evening we had planned, and to resolve our issues. It turned from two very minor unimportant, and really solved problems, to a discussion about our personal communication. Without going to much into the abrasive car ride, by the time I hit the 22 I had absolutely exploded.
When I say exploded, I mean that in a very specific way. I yelled, to the point that today, three days later, my throat is still hoarse. I cried, to the point that I almost caused several high-speed collisions. At the end of it all, I don't think we resolved anything.
How much of this crap is really important? How weird is it that once I got there the hug made it all better and the evening and the rest of the weekend was brilliant, but that I still care about what happened on Friday night? What issues are important enough to know that you can not get through them? To know that attempts at a really long-term thing will be able to overcome?
well, on a more timely note, I'm supposed to go to lunch with Marshal. Here goes nothing....
Print Page
I want to start off this post by saying how wonderful the weekend was. To describe the happiness at reading a book outside on the beach, that I didn't take a nose-dive on my roller skates, and that my parents loved the Hockey game was saw. That the Ducks and the Steelers won, and that the game played at Nikki's house was delightful. Even with all this good, I can't help but want to recall the bad.
Sometime on Thursday evening, the world sort of feel apart. I discussed things with Matthew, and no matter what the responses were, I was annoyed by them. Annoyed to the degree that I spent over 30 minutes searching the house for chocolate, having to settle on Chocolate pudding (of the sugar-free fat-free variety which does very little to actually solve a chocolate crisis). I proceeded to argue loudly and determinedly with my father and generally went to bed angry. Following that I got up angry. I went about my day fairly angry. Though I'm sure my colleagues couldn't really tell nonetheless I know that I was angry. I dejected the fairly straightforward healthy eating I had been doing so great at. I rejected any attempts my own psyche made to correct the attitudinal problem.
Then Matthew called again. He, of course, had no idea I spent the bulk of the day angry and pissed off. He had no idea that I felt that it was mostly his fault. We proceeded to attempt to resolve the problems we were discussing the night before, to little or no avail. Remembering my lunch conversations that day I even tried out a tip from Ron... but to no avail. My anger continued to boil and fester and grow. I tried to remain calm, to talk rationally. Every attempt was rebuffed with anger from the other side, or from an accusation that I was 'yelling.' Still, I got in the car to attempt to go to a friends house. To enjoy the Friday evening we had planned, and to resolve our issues. It turned from two very minor unimportant, and really solved problems, to a discussion about our personal communication. Without going to much into the abrasive car ride, by the time I hit the 22 I had absolutely exploded.
When I say exploded, I mean that in a very specific way. I yelled, to the point that today, three days later, my throat is still hoarse. I cried, to the point that I almost caused several high-speed collisions. At the end of it all, I don't think we resolved anything.
How much of this crap is really important? How weird is it that once I got there the hug made it all better and the evening and the rest of the weekend was brilliant, but that I still care about what happened on Friday night? What issues are important enough to know that you can not get through them? To know that attempts at a really long-term thing will be able to overcome?
well, on a more timely note, I'm supposed to go to lunch with Marshal. Here goes nothing....
Print Page
Thursday, January 8, 2009
A career path
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
I've been starting to think a little more 'long-term' about my career path. This conversation has gone through oh so many twists and turns through the years. When I was younger I was quite positive that I would work for a few years, then spend the rest of my life tending my home and my children. Through high school I even went so far as to avoid work until I graduated. I adopted the mantra 'I'm going to work for the rest of my life, why start now'.
Then I was quite positive that I wouldn't even really do that. I was positive of this even as I spent $40 thousand dollars a year on a college education... hmm... Then, I started working. I loved it, I love everything about it. Yes, as with everyone else, there are days when I would rather be in bed or on vacation. I get that twinge of interesting regret that says that I should just live on a boat and travel the world, but the reality is that I love coming into an office. I love the people, the problem solving, and knowing that I have goals set.
Well, now that I know I love it, the question is where to go. I applied and was accepted to a fantastic master's program at USC; post-secondary education and student affairs. Then life changed and I don't really think that's an option anymore. I'm still thinking that I want to be in a college though. I'm wondering what my next move is if I want to be a teacher, if I want to be a housefellow (dorm staff member) or if I want to become President of a University. Do I need to be a teacher? Can I transition from APM to PM to Teacher?
What about being in administration? How do you become the Assistant Dean, or Head of anything? Can I walk into a Career counselor and say I want to be a chancellor, just like someone can say they want to be a doctor or a lawyer?
On another career path note, can you get a promotion without an increase in salary? Is it still called a promotion? The Oxford English Dictionary doesn't make any mention of mandatory monetary compensation; but my Dad seems to think that it MUST come with $.
Print Page
I've been starting to think a little more 'long-term' about my career path. This conversation has gone through oh so many twists and turns through the years. When I was younger I was quite positive that I would work for a few years, then spend the rest of my life tending my home and my children. Through high school I even went so far as to avoid work until I graduated. I adopted the mantra 'I'm going to work for the rest of my life, why start now'.
Then I was quite positive that I wouldn't even really do that. I was positive of this even as I spent $40 thousand dollars a year on a college education... hmm... Then, I started working. I loved it, I love everything about it. Yes, as with everyone else, there are days when I would rather be in bed or on vacation. I get that twinge of interesting regret that says that I should just live on a boat and travel the world, but the reality is that I love coming into an office. I love the people, the problem solving, and knowing that I have goals set.
Well, now that I know I love it, the question is where to go. I applied and was accepted to a fantastic master's program at USC; post-secondary education and student affairs. Then life changed and I don't really think that's an option anymore. I'm still thinking that I want to be in a college though. I'm wondering what my next move is if I want to be a teacher, if I want to be a housefellow (dorm staff member) or if I want to become President of a University. Do I need to be a teacher? Can I transition from APM to PM to Teacher?
What about being in administration? How do you become the Assistant Dean, or Head of anything? Can I walk into a Career counselor and say I want to be a chancellor, just like someone can say they want to be a doctor or a lawyer?
On another career path note, can you get a promotion without an increase in salary? Is it still called a promotion? The Oxford English Dictionary doesn't make any mention of mandatory monetary compensation; but my Dad seems to think that it MUST come with $.
Print Page
Thursday, October 30, 2008
What a long week...
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
This week was my first tech week here at UCI. I loved it. Even though there was a lot of stress to be working through weekend time, and into the evenings for three straight days, it was really impressive to see the show. I'm very impressed with the dedication and hard work of everyone who is involved with this performance. It was a great introduction to UCI shows.
However, the reality of it all is that I'm tired. That I had a 6 day week of working, and that it is fairly exhausting to have so much work.
I did get to go to the Ducks Hockey game last night. It ROCKED! We beat the Redwings in 5 minute sudden death overtime. There was a moment when we thought they were going to call back our winning goal (they had already called one back that night) and I almost stopped breathing watching the referee on the headset. You may wonder why I was so consumed, because we all know I don't watch the games on days I'm not actually at the game, but I REALLY wanted us to win. And we did!
Hmm.. what else. I baked pumpkin cupcakes last night, which was quite exciting. They turned out very well and I'm excited to ice them tonight and serve them tomorrow.
Which also reminds me Internet- HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Print Page
This week was my first tech week here at UCI. I loved it. Even though there was a lot of stress to be working through weekend time, and into the evenings for three straight days, it was really impressive to see the show. I'm very impressed with the dedication and hard work of everyone who is involved with this performance. It was a great introduction to UCI shows.
However, the reality of it all is that I'm tired. That I had a 6 day week of working, and that it is fairly exhausting to have so much work.
I did get to go to the Ducks Hockey game last night. It ROCKED! We beat the Redwings in 5 minute sudden death overtime. There was a moment when we thought they were going to call back our winning goal (they had already called one back that night) and I almost stopped breathing watching the referee on the headset. You may wonder why I was so consumed, because we all know I don't watch the games on days I'm not actually at the game, but I REALLY wanted us to win. And we did!
Hmm.. what else. I baked pumpkin cupcakes last night, which was quite exciting. They turned out very well and I'm excited to ice them tonight and serve them tomorrow.
Which also reminds me Internet- HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Print Page
Friday, October 24, 2008
Loving it more and more
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
I really am totally loving my life. With very few exceptions, each and every day has been a great one.
My new job is fabulous. I love my boss and even though I'm still not doing as much as I want to, I'm getting new tasks all the time. I'm so thrilled to be back in the area, working in theatre and having all of those feelings and things that come with the collaborative process. It's also been so interesting to visit my third theatre program, and compare the pros and cons of the several others that I've been a part of.
M@ and I are doing great. Every time I see him, he makes me smile. It's so nice that we're to a point that I can come over to his apartment, sit on the couch and not be even the slightest bit upset that he's off killing monsters on his computer. We've gotten to a point where we see enough of eachother, and that he respects me, and I respect him enough to respect that time as well. I haven't cried in months-okay, that's a lie. I have. I hurt myself, and I'm still a girl who gets emotional once a month....
I'm still working on 'cleaning' up a few things, but I'm really thrilled right now.
I'm finally going to be totally out of the apartment in Pasadena. It's a good feeling to be done, but it's also a sad one. I've lived there for two years, and I can't even believe that I'm out of there. I loved the area, and I would move back there in a heartbeat. For now though, I'm excited about the next step. I'm really hoping that I will get back all of the $ I need from my roommate and my landlord...
Print Page
I really am totally loving my life. With very few exceptions, each and every day has been a great one.
My new job is fabulous. I love my boss and even though I'm still not doing as much as I want to, I'm getting new tasks all the time. I'm so thrilled to be back in the area, working in theatre and having all of those feelings and things that come with the collaborative process. It's also been so interesting to visit my third theatre program, and compare the pros and cons of the several others that I've been a part of.
M@ and I are doing great. Every time I see him, he makes me smile. It's so nice that we're to a point that I can come over to his apartment, sit on the couch and not be even the slightest bit upset that he's off killing monsters on his computer. We've gotten to a point where we see enough of eachother, and that he respects me, and I respect him enough to respect that time as well. I haven't cried in months-okay, that's a lie. I have. I hurt myself, and I'm still a girl who gets emotional once a month....
I'm still working on 'cleaning' up a few things, but I'm really thrilled right now.
I'm finally going to be totally out of the apartment in Pasadena. It's a good feeling to be done, but it's also a sad one. I've lived there for two years, and I can't even believe that I'm out of there. I loved the area, and I would move back there in a heartbeat. For now though, I'm excited about the next step. I'm really hoping that I will get back all of the $ I need from my roommate and my landlord...
Print Page
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I like to be treated like a lady
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
It occurs to me today that I really enjoy it when someone opens a door for me. That I feel particularly happy when someone acknowledges that I am a lady, and that sometimes that means boys should do nice things for us. Not to much, but lifting heavy things, holding open doors when appropriate, maybe allowing us to sit in the front seat..
I'm so excited about my birthday weekend. A hockey game, a mud run, dinner, dancing, facials (maybe) and then tea! what a full weekend, but what a fantastic time celebrating.
I am also excited because I'm going to see my first apartment tonight- hopefully I'll like it. We'll have to see what happens.
Print Page
It occurs to me today that I really enjoy it when someone opens a door for me. That I feel particularly happy when someone acknowledges that I am a lady, and that sometimes that means boys should do nice things for us. Not to much, but lifting heavy things, holding open doors when appropriate, maybe allowing us to sit in the front seat..
I'm so excited about my birthday weekend. A hockey game, a mud run, dinner, dancing, facials (maybe) and then tea! what a full weekend, but what a fantastic time celebrating.
I am also excited because I'm going to see my first apartment tonight- hopefully I'll like it. We'll have to see what happens.
Print Page
Friday, July 18, 2008
Interviews Ahoy!
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
I've had two interviews so far. I think they both went well, especially since one was in person and one was a phone interview. It's funny to try to comprehend the job responses I've been getting, who has called me back and who hasn't...
I won't go into details about the interviews here, if you want to know you can call me, but needless to say one job might be a little above me, and one might be a little below me. We'll have to see where it all lands.
I've been inundated by engagement announcements. People I thought might never get married, let alone get married before me, are totally engaged. I know that's ridiculous, to think that I should be married first, but it's true. I'm happy for them, but I can't help wondering what's up with me...
My parents didn't meet, let alone get married, until after they were both 30. I know that's totally reasonable and okay, but I always thought it would be different for me. I always thought that I would be making that transition sooner...
I used to think that I just wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I realize that I love working. I'm a hard worker, and I'm good at the jobs I do. I don't want to have kids tomorrow, but I want to have the opportunity to be with my husband, to make a life with him before we add kids to the mix.
I guess I'm just feeling a little frustrated by 'life planning'.
I know, man plans and G-d laughs. But I always thought that woman was supposed to...
Print Page
I've had two interviews so far. I think they both went well, especially since one was in person and one was a phone interview. It's funny to try to comprehend the job responses I've been getting, who has called me back and who hasn't...
I won't go into details about the interviews here, if you want to know you can call me, but needless to say one job might be a little above me, and one might be a little below me. We'll have to see where it all lands.
I've been inundated by engagement announcements. People I thought might never get married, let alone get married before me, are totally engaged. I know that's ridiculous, to think that I should be married first, but it's true. I'm happy for them, but I can't help wondering what's up with me...
My parents didn't meet, let alone get married, until after they were both 30. I know that's totally reasonable and okay, but I always thought it would be different for me. I always thought that I would be making that transition sooner...
I used to think that I just wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I realize that I love working. I'm a hard worker, and I'm good at the jobs I do. I don't want to have kids tomorrow, but I want to have the opportunity to be with my husband, to make a life with him before we add kids to the mix.
I guess I'm just feeling a little frustrated by 'life planning'.
I know, man plans and G-d laughs. But I always thought that woman was supposed to...
Print Page
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Perhaps when I get a job....
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
I have been applying for LOTS and LOTS of jobs. It's sort of difficult, because some of them I really want. Some just sound interesting and I think I should apply. But either way, I just don't have the answer yet. I'm not sure what I want to do...
Live Theatre: Back to my roots say some. I love theatre, I really do. But after 4 years at CMU I realized that I get frustrated doing the same thing everyday. So, no stage management on a long-running show. I get frustrated with production management because every show it's the same problem with the small off-stage and the wide procenuim, and... and...and... However, I love the people. I love the accomplishment that comes from being done with something. I love being able to sit there and know that I was a part of something. I miss having something I can have friends and parents come and watch...
Student Affairs: The new direction. I have always loved being part of things. I think that student affairs combines, at least for me, the best of making an event happen and helping someone through something/helping someone figure something out. I've always been a see a problem, fix it type person. The one who really wants to help people figure out where to go, and how to get there... I love planning the events others think are stupid. Winter Gala? I'm there!
Grad School: The cheater? I can't help but think this is cheating. I'm just not sure why I applied. Well, I sort of know. Because I could. Because I was there and there wasn't any reason not to.
HMMMM...
On other notes, I got new soccer cleats today. They worked out okay. I'm a little frustrated by my playing as of late, so I'm going to have to work on that when I get the chance. I want to play well, be better than I've been in the past. I want to feel like I have control of the ball, and not tired after 10 minutes of playing, sun or no sun.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
Print Page
I have been applying for LOTS and LOTS of jobs. It's sort of difficult, because some of them I really want. Some just sound interesting and I think I should apply. But either way, I just don't have the answer yet. I'm not sure what I want to do...
Live Theatre: Back to my roots say some. I love theatre, I really do. But after 4 years at CMU I realized that I get frustrated doing the same thing everyday. So, no stage management on a long-running show. I get frustrated with production management because every show it's the same problem with the small off-stage and the wide procenuim, and... and...and... However, I love the people. I love the accomplishment that comes from being done with something. I love being able to sit there and know that I was a part of something. I miss having something I can have friends and parents come and watch...
Student Affairs: The new direction. I have always loved being part of things. I think that student affairs combines, at least for me, the best of making an event happen and helping someone through something/helping someone figure something out. I've always been a see a problem, fix it type person. The one who really wants to help people figure out where to go, and how to get there... I love planning the events others think are stupid. Winter Gala? I'm there!
Grad School: The cheater? I can't help but think this is cheating. I'm just not sure why I applied. Well, I sort of know. Because I could. Because I was there and there wasn't any reason not to.
HMMMM...
On other notes, I got new soccer cleats today. They worked out okay. I'm a little frustrated by my playing as of late, so I'm going to have to work on that when I get the chance. I want to play well, be better than I've been in the past. I want to feel like I have control of the ball, and not tired after 10 minutes of playing, sun or no sun.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
Print Page
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Despite attempts to keep up
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
It's been a tough transition back to the states. My stomach and mind and body are at war. I won't get into details, I'll just say that as much as I love to eat American, my body doesn't agree.
Vietnam trip is definitely confirmed. Esther as totally agreed with me. So the next step is to start making hotel reservations, the Ha-long Bay tour and the Cambodia tour. I think it will all work out, though I would be lying if I said that last night I was thinking it might be better just to bow out entirely...
I'm having a hard time with all the free time. 3 weeks to do nothing but look for jobs, perpare for Vietnam, and figure out what I'm doing with my life. Seems a lot easier than it is. I don't do well with lots of free time...
My friends grandfather died this week. He had a good life, in his 80's. I'm not going to the funeral, which should be okay with me, but I sort of want to. It's this whole part of a family I haven't met, and the last thing I want is for there to be regret about my attendance later...
I'm trying to get up to San Francisco. The vietnamese have their Consulate there. What's the pluses of living in LA if I have to go to San Fran for the visa?
I have a feeling that my writing will be more sporadic until I start school again or get a job... Keep watching though...
Print Page
It's been a tough transition back to the states. My stomach and mind and body are at war. I won't get into details, I'll just say that as much as I love to eat American, my body doesn't agree.
Vietnam trip is definitely confirmed. Esther as totally agreed with me. So the next step is to start making hotel reservations, the Ha-long Bay tour and the Cambodia tour. I think it will all work out, though I would be lying if I said that last night I was thinking it might be better just to bow out entirely...
I'm having a hard time with all the free time. 3 weeks to do nothing but look for jobs, perpare for Vietnam, and figure out what I'm doing with my life. Seems a lot easier than it is. I don't do well with lots of free time...
My friends grandfather died this week. He had a good life, in his 80's. I'm not going to the funeral, which should be okay with me, but I sort of want to. It's this whole part of a family I haven't met, and the last thing I want is for there to be regret about my attendance later...
I'm trying to get up to San Francisco. The vietnamese have their Consulate there. What's the pluses of living in LA if I have to go to San Fran for the visa?
I have a feeling that my writing will be more sporadic until I start school again or get a job... Keep watching though...
Print Page
Thursday, May 22, 2008
A whole month! So sorry
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
This is not usually like me, but I guess something changes when the world gets rocked the way mine did.
Iäm in Sweden (as you can tell from the occassional bad spelling and random letters), about to complete my trip with my parents. Overall, itäs been a great time. Some frustrations, some fantastic moments. A lot of learning and having a great time.
Iäll be home on Monday, and promise that I will try to post a few pictures and write more about the trip.
Iäm anxious to get home, but not excited to start the process of figureing out what my next move in life is. There are so many questions yet to answer- I just know that I want to make the right choice for the next phase of my life.
Iäve gotten to the point where Somewhere Over the Rainbow doesnät make me cry, and where I can talk about the job without being upset. I still think they made the wrong decision, but I have really accepted it.
Iäll say this about a cruise with retired people, being the only young one made me quite popular. I got told time and again that I would be very successful in life, and that I have a great talent for being open, and friendly and fun. I was discussing with many people my situation...a good time.
Someone is waiting, until Monday- Tack!
Print Page
This is not usually like me, but I guess something changes when the world gets rocked the way mine did.
Iäm in Sweden (as you can tell from the occassional bad spelling and random letters), about to complete my trip with my parents. Overall, itäs been a great time. Some frustrations, some fantastic moments. A lot of learning and having a great time.
Iäll be home on Monday, and promise that I will try to post a few pictures and write more about the trip.
Iäm anxious to get home, but not excited to start the process of figureing out what my next move in life is. There are so many questions yet to answer- I just know that I want to make the right choice for the next phase of my life.
Iäve gotten to the point where Somewhere Over the Rainbow doesnät make me cry, and where I can talk about the job without being upset. I still think they made the wrong decision, but I have really accepted it.
Iäll say this about a cruise with retired people, being the only young one made me quite popular. I got told time and again that I would be very successful in life, and that I have a great talent for being open, and friendly and fun. I was discussing with many people my situation...a good time.
Someone is waiting, until Monday- Tack!
Print Page
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Another week...sorry
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
So, it's apparently been almost a whole week since I last updated.
Important things:
1. Making choices: I find that I am still not thrilled with all of my choices. Sometimes I make the wrong ones, but for some reason, I start to feel that the ones that I screw up are significantly more tenuous and difficult than the ones I used to make. Frustration.
2. Interactions with people: I still find that I'm not thrilled with all of my interactions. I wonder if I'm letting people treat me inappropriately, or that I'm not everything that I could or should be. Is it their expectations that are wrong, or is it my actions?
3. Vietnam: I bought my ticket. $1800 all in (taxes,etc.) It's more than I wanted to spend, but at the end of the day I'm thrilled. I leave at 1am Thursday morning (aka Wednesday night) and arrive in Hanoi at 10am. I leave from Cambodia at 2pm and arrive at LAX at 9pm. YEAH!
4. Tired of being tired: I want to sleep more. That is all.
5. Passover: I'm so excited about passover dinner. If you're around, reading this, and I didn't invite you- shame on me. Call me, and an invitation is on the way. I really hope that people will start to bring food, not just juice or iced tea...
Print Page
So, it's apparently been almost a whole week since I last updated.
Important things:
1. Making choices: I find that I am still not thrilled with all of my choices. Sometimes I make the wrong ones, but for some reason, I start to feel that the ones that I screw up are significantly more tenuous and difficult than the ones I used to make. Frustration.
2. Interactions with people: I still find that I'm not thrilled with all of my interactions. I wonder if I'm letting people treat me inappropriately, or that I'm not everything that I could or should be. Is it their expectations that are wrong, or is it my actions?
3. Vietnam: I bought my ticket. $1800 all in (taxes,etc.) It's more than I wanted to spend, but at the end of the day I'm thrilled. I leave at 1am Thursday morning (aka Wednesday night) and arrive in Hanoi at 10am. I leave from Cambodia at 2pm and arrive at LAX at 9pm. YEAH!
4. Tired of being tired: I want to sleep more. That is all.
5. Passover: I'm so excited about passover dinner. If you're around, reading this, and I didn't invite you- shame on me. Call me, and an invitation is on the way. I really hope that people will start to bring food, not just juice or iced tea...
Print Page
Monday, April 7, 2008
Tricky times, personal and otherwise
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
I'm not really sure where to start. I have a LOT to say about myself, about what happened this weekend, about politics and my thoughts on the war. Where to start...
Most importantly, I think, is the hurt I happened to spread this weekend. I forced people who haven't spoken to me in a long time to rekindle emotions and thoughts about our relationships. I forced myself to take a long, hard and depressing look into my life and the relationships I've forged. Why, you might ask... because I had to. Because someone, a brilliant someone who can see deeper into my soul and my person than I ever thought possible/would ever be possible for me to do myself, brought to my attention that 1+2 did not =3 in my case...
I tore through my past, through the pain I have felt and the pain I have caused others, and came out on the other end with a very painful solution. A thought that I wasn't going to share, yet again, felt compelled to share. And not only did it not provide anything positive for the other person, it was mean and unkind and horrible. I wish that I could have seen through my pain, and into the pain I would have been causing. It's just so incredible, to understand how clearly someone can see right through me. And how my thoughts could be so muffled, and how I couldn't understand my own process. And how I have ended up back in the same corner I was last time... having brought someone down a scary path, and lost them along the way.
This isn't about them, it's about me... but I'm dreadfully sorry.
Additionally, I was just mean this weekend. A friend was sick and couldn't hang out with me, and I was angry at them. I'm not exactly sure why... but I was. I called up to apologize later, but there wasn't any reason for me to be rude. I just can't seem to figure out where I should be these days.
I think I need to take some time out. Try to limit myself to activities for myself, and around myself...
I watched Stop-loss this weekend. If you haven't seen this movie, you should. Especially if you are actively involved in thinking about how the war is affecting America. I won't give it away, but I loved the way she used live film footage, took action shots and really made me feel like I was there. She didn't ignore the sad moments, but at the same time, she didn't ignore the honor and the desire of the soldiers.
I think the war is a horrible thing, but I also think that it's exceptionally complicated. It's so multi-faceted that it can't easily be explained by either side, without some sort of ignorance or pushing of an agenda. The movie seemed to be fairly unbiased. It presented the horrors of Stop-Loss and the horrors of being a soldier; but at the same time, it seemed to be impressively able to explore and develop real people in these situations.
I wish that I was more politically minded, and I know that those of you who are will be saddened by my process, but I support my country and for me, that support means supporting the soldiers in the war.
I also went to the Art Walk at the Brewery this weekend. I bought a really cute piece, a little expensive, but I was quite smitten by it. It was a great time, with a great date.
I spent an obseen amount of money at Macy's. My way of getting out my horrible emotions for the weekend. SO much for saving for a trip.
Print Page
I'm not really sure where to start. I have a LOT to say about myself, about what happened this weekend, about politics and my thoughts on the war. Where to start...
Most importantly, I think, is the hurt I happened to spread this weekend. I forced people who haven't spoken to me in a long time to rekindle emotions and thoughts about our relationships. I forced myself to take a long, hard and depressing look into my life and the relationships I've forged. Why, you might ask... because I had to. Because someone, a brilliant someone who can see deeper into my soul and my person than I ever thought possible/would ever be possible for me to do myself, brought to my attention that 1+2 did not =3 in my case...
I tore through my past, through the pain I have felt and the pain I have caused others, and came out on the other end with a very painful solution. A thought that I wasn't going to share, yet again, felt compelled to share. And not only did it not provide anything positive for the other person, it was mean and unkind and horrible. I wish that I could have seen through my pain, and into the pain I would have been causing. It's just so incredible, to understand how clearly someone can see right through me. And how my thoughts could be so muffled, and how I couldn't understand my own process. And how I have ended up back in the same corner I was last time... having brought someone down a scary path, and lost them along the way.
This isn't about them, it's about me... but I'm dreadfully sorry.
Additionally, I was just mean this weekend. A friend was sick and couldn't hang out with me, and I was angry at them. I'm not exactly sure why... but I was. I called up to apologize later, but there wasn't any reason for me to be rude. I just can't seem to figure out where I should be these days.
I think I need to take some time out. Try to limit myself to activities for myself, and around myself...
I watched Stop-loss this weekend. If you haven't seen this movie, you should. Especially if you are actively involved in thinking about how the war is affecting America. I won't give it away, but I loved the way she used live film footage, took action shots and really made me feel like I was there. She didn't ignore the sad moments, but at the same time, she didn't ignore the honor and the desire of the soldiers.
I think the war is a horrible thing, but I also think that it's exceptionally complicated. It's so multi-faceted that it can't easily be explained by either side, without some sort of ignorance or pushing of an agenda. The movie seemed to be fairly unbiased. It presented the horrors of Stop-Loss and the horrors of being a soldier; but at the same time, it seemed to be impressively able to explore and develop real people in these situations.
I wish that I was more politically minded, and I know that those of you who are will be saddened by my process, but I support my country and for me, that support means supporting the soldiers in the war.
I also went to the Art Walk at the Brewery this weekend. I bought a really cute piece, a little expensive, but I was quite smitten by it. It was a great time, with a great date.
I spent an obseen amount of money at Macy's. My way of getting out my horrible emotions for the weekend. SO much for saving for a trip.
Print Page
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
I missed a whole week... sorry
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
I don't even know where to begin. How awkward and upsetting my work life has become due to Kickball.
I'm not sure where to start this story, only to say that I sort of feel like I want to cry, and I'm upset that it got to this point in the game, where people where upset with me and didn't feel like they could talk to me. Where people where upset with my excitment and energy, and my looking out for the best interest of my team.
I'm upset that I sent out me "I'm quitting' e-mail and no one has said anything to me. Well, except for someone who's no longer on the team.
I'm upset that I tried to do something good for the company, and for the team... I got totally bit in the ass for it. I'm upset that when I woke up this morning I didn't want to come into the office, absolutely UNRELATED to work...
I'm upset that my great day yesterday, at a theme park on the company dollar, got screwed up by a stupid phone call and kickball drama.
KICKBALL! It's just a game. I may appear to be getting 'to into it' or to intense or whatever... it's just a game. I like to play games, I like to be committed and involved. Why ruin that for me.
I didn't mean to upset anyone...in fact, that was the LAST thing I wanted.
But it's fine, i'm out of the way. I'll just stop...good luck.
Print Page
I don't even know where to begin. How awkward and upsetting my work life has become due to Kickball.
I'm not sure where to start this story, only to say that I sort of feel like I want to cry, and I'm upset that it got to this point in the game, where people where upset with me and didn't feel like they could talk to me. Where people where upset with my excitment and energy, and my looking out for the best interest of my team.
I'm upset that I sent out me "I'm quitting' e-mail and no one has said anything to me. Well, except for someone who's no longer on the team.
I'm upset that I tried to do something good for the company, and for the team... I got totally bit in the ass for it. I'm upset that when I woke up this morning I didn't want to come into the office, absolutely UNRELATED to work...
I'm upset that my great day yesterday, at a theme park on the company dollar, got screwed up by a stupid phone call and kickball drama.
KICKBALL! It's just a game. I may appear to be getting 'to into it' or to intense or whatever... it's just a game. I like to play games, I like to be committed and involved. Why ruin that for me.
I didn't mean to upset anyone...in fact, that was the LAST thing I wanted.
But it's fine, i'm out of the way. I'll just stop...good luck.
Print Page
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
