Thursday, February 11, 2010

Jew- ish?

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Today I want to talk about making the choice to change religions. I've been in a quandry lately as being mean, and inconsiderate to my partners religious beliefs and traditions.

I had always thought that I was so clear. I'm not interested in a mixed religion marriage. To say that I don't mean that I'm not interested in marrying a man who isn't Jewish. Clearly that's true, since I'm marrying a Christian. I just mean that I expect to have a house and a family that is not two religions, but one. And yes, that one, is Judaism.

When I have been confronted by people from his family, I keep getting the message that they expect me to have a two religion home. To somehow 'respect' his traditions and upbringing. I think it's one thing to say that I respect Christianity. I respect his emotional connection to those rituals. I respect his desire to continue to celebrate these traditions with his family and our children when the time comes.

I think it's something different to decide that these traditions and experiences need a place in our home. yes, I say our home. We will build a home, we will build a set of traditions. As far as I can tell, we're mostly comfortable with the choices we're making. Yes, there are some 'sticky' points, but NO, we don't have to really figure them all out now.

I just want to understand how I am supposed to 'respect' his traditions, but still be able to clearly define my home as one in which these traditions are outside of the religious scope of our family...?

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2 comments:

Alison Peebles said...

That's complicated. Is the difference that while your children may go to christmas at Matt's parent's house, you expect them to be mitzvahed and not confirmed?

Gridley said...

Hmm. You might start by thinking about the different definitions of:

Home
House
Family (immediate)
Family (close)
Family (extended)
Tradition
Religion

I'd note that most gentiles don't actually understand what Judaism involves; I've encountered not a few who believe that if you're jewish you CAN'T celebrate christmas; even the secular version with santa claus. Clearly, you can. So you can have the tradition (exchange of presents, with or without santa) without the religion (putting up a nativity scene).

To me, growing up catholic, the biggest religious holiday was Easter. But the biggest holiday in my family was Christmas. Part of that was the trappings; we had a wreath for Easter, and a massively decorated tree and numerous other decorations for Christmas. We sent out an annual Christmas letter to something like a hundred addresses. Mom baked a special coffee cake shaped like a christmas tree. We made cookies. We sang songs. We watched christmas specials (Charlie Brown, Rudolf, Frosty the Snow Man, Small One...) So the family tradition was Big Christmas; that never got in the way of Easter being central to the family religion.

Hope that's somewhat helpful.