what am I doing

It's been over a month. I would love to be able to say that I'm over him, that I've moved on and that I don't think about him. It's a lie. To be honest, I might actually think about him more now that I'm not dating him. Probably not wholly true, but certainly partly.

Journals are interesting...I'm not sure how good it is to be writing all of these things...to read then later, to not know what to think or feel. To read later about all the moments. There are so few..."I'm Happy" moments in my journal. Honestly it's shocking. I wish I could be better at that sort of "telling the story" journaling.

I wonder how he feels about the month. Has he even had time to consider what he's lost, or for that matter what he's gained? It's such an odd time to try to consider what has happened to us...it's not a typical month...he's out of school, I'm not working.

Does it matter?? I'm 22...I'll find someone, eventually...I really do believe that. So, what does it matter...can't I just live life. Date people, enjoy myself. Regardless, I still wish I could spend my Saturday night in his arms.

What is the right thing to do...?

I can't help put think that I'm doing the wrong thing in regards to my now X-boyfriend. Is there a right...is there a wrong. I want to be with him, to see him, but I feel like I'm breaking some sort of written 'girl' rules.

I keep having a desire to go away and not come back for a long time. To go somewhere strange, and new. See if I can make it by myself. Figure out what happiness is to me, and why I should be seeking it.

I'm reading all sorts of good 'make yourself better' books. It seems that I don't know how to do a lot of the things they suggest. I don't REALLY know what I'm good at...I don't REALLY know what my long-term goals are. Can I be a functioning, participating member of society without knowing these things?

I want to work in a place with people I like, in an environment that I like, in a location I like. I want to be EXCITED to go to work. Is that to much to ask.

I want to go back in time...not back to relive, but back to a feeling of happiness and non-committement to Matt. A time when I was in a happy place, a happy location, a happy me.

Now...I don't want anyone, especially me, to think that I'm not happy. I'm meeting new people, I'm having fun, I'm trying to enjoy work... I just want to feel loved by the one I care about...