What is the right thing to do...?

I can't help put think that I'm doing the wrong thing in regards to my now X-boyfriend. Is there a right...is there a wrong. I want to be with him, to see him, but I feel like I'm breaking some sort of written 'girl' rules.

I keep having a desire to go away and not come back for a long time. To go somewhere strange, and new. See if I can make it by myself. Figure out what happiness is to me, and why I should be seeking it.

I'm reading all sorts of good 'make yourself better' books. It seems that I don't know how to do a lot of the things they suggest. I don't REALLY know what I'm good at...I don't REALLY know what my long-term goals are. Can I be a functioning, participating member of society without knowing these things?

I want to work in a place with people I like, in an environment that I like, in a location I like. I want to be EXCITED to go to work. Is that to much to ask.

I want to go back in time...not back to relive, but back to a feeling of happiness and non-committement to Matt. A time when I was in a happy place, a happy location, a happy me.

Now...I don't want anyone, especially me, to think that I'm not happy. I'm meeting new people, I'm having fun, I'm trying to enjoy work... I just want to feel loved by the one I care about...