The tale of the Snoring Homeless

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Yesterday I had a fun little outpatient procedure done. They made me sleepy and groggy and stuck a camera down my throat to look at my stomach, etc. It was an attempt at figuring out what might be causing my excessive burping.

It went okay, they found nothing, and I was left sleepy, annoyed, and hungry. My dad was kind enough to take me home, and out for dinner, finally leaving me to fend for myself at around 7:30pm.

I moped around the house, finally crawling into bed at around 11:45pm. About 30 minutes into my wonderfully deep sleep I am awoken by the LOUDEST SNORES IN THE WORLD. I am absolutely appalled. my roommate doesn't snore, and certainly not this loudly. I sit up and listen for a moment, finally recognizing that the sound is coming from outside my window. I figure it's just a random loud neighbor and try to role over and get back to bed.

12:15am I am once again awoken, this time by loud crying, wailing, spitting and groaning. Exactly what I need after midnight. I go to the window and yell outside- "it's after midnight! Go to bed! Shut Up! there are other people trying to sleep!" I think this will work, and crawl back into bed.

12:45am The snoring is still going on. It ebbs and flows from loud to annoying to distressing, keeping me awake. I finally freak out and go to the window, trying to identify which building it's coming from. I grab my flashlight and start pointing it at windows when all of a sudden I see it...a man, sleeping on the ground right outside my 3rd story window. Oh my g-d! It's a Homeless man keeping me up!

1:00 am I call 911, to report the homeless man. They get a bit annoyed since it's not a true emergency, but they say they will send someone out.

1:15am I discover that my roommate has also been hearing the noises. I tell her it's a homeless man, and use my flashlight to point him out. I tell her that I've called the cops because I just can't stand it any more.

1:45am I have been sitting awake waiting to hear the police waking up the guy. The snores have turned, once again, into loud, wailing person dying distress calls. Spitting and grunting, yuck! i try to use my flashlight to wake him up- shining it in his eyes. No such luck. I finally realize why women get themselves in stupid situations. They get tired of waiting for the cops to show up!

2:00am I call the non-emergency number. They inform me that an officer cleared the scene almost 30 minutes ago. I say, HELL NO! and give my number for them to call me to help out.

2:06am Since I have the computer out to get the Police number, I decide to write an e-mail to a friend chronicling my hate for homeless men. I'm sure it was a lovely read.

2:09am I get tired of listening to the wailing, and I decide to take matters into my own hands. I get dressed, take my keys, my flashlight and my phone. I check on him one more time, and then decide to wait outside for the cops.

2:19am I get a phone call, telling me the cop is on his way. Thank G-d! I was going to give it 5 more minutes before I walked over to the man to get rid of him.

2:23am Cop shows up. I show him the ally. He refuses my flashlight (his is so much cooler!). I decide to wait by the door to make sure that they get the guy. I become slightly worried that the homeless man will recognize that I'm the reason he's getting moved, and I panic slightly.

2:27am The cop comes out with the guy. I had put on my hood, and had my hands in front of my face to avoid being seen. The second I see him I loudly shut the front door behind me. Back to my wonderful bed!

10:28am I wake up after a fitful sleep, looking outside the window at where the man was last night. He was sleeping on stairs! I mean really, no wonder he was grunting.



I've never really dealt with the homeless before. On some level I feel sad that I had him arrested, but at the same time, damnit(!) I pay good money to live here and he dosen't!

I guess it's my own fault. I was just telling my dad yesterday how much I enjoy living in the city.


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