One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
I leave for a month long cruise on Sunday. I've decided to tag along with my parents and Aunt. I'm excited, overwhelmed and wondering if I'm crazy.
Before I leave I've decided to apply for a grad assistantship, fill out the FASFA, fill out the suplimental student aid form, and apply for about 15 jobs... sound like a plan?
So, on portugal, on london, on paris and amsterdam. On Germany and finland, russia and sweden...
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Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Changes changes changes
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
So it didn't work out. I took a risk, a calculated risk, and it just didn't make sense. There wasn't any doubt that I was good at my job... there was conflict of personalities. Not really sure what to say about that.
And so I find myself, in this boon of economic times, once again on the job hunt.
Should I cancel my deferment and start my masters degree this coming fall?
Should I get a job in student affairs?
Should I take random PA jobs and learn about film and television?
Should I try to get back into live theatre, and stage manage/production manage?
Should I do something else?
thoughts...?
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So it didn't work out. I took a risk, a calculated risk, and it just didn't make sense. There wasn't any doubt that I was good at my job... there was conflict of personalities. Not really sure what to say about that.
And so I find myself, in this boon of economic times, once again on the job hunt.
Should I cancel my deferment and start my masters degree this coming fall?
Should I get a job in student affairs?
Should I take random PA jobs and learn about film and television?
Should I try to get back into live theatre, and stage manage/production manage?
Should I do something else?
thoughts...?
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Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Another week...sorry
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
So, it's apparently been almost a whole week since I last updated.
Important things:
1. Making choices: I find that I am still not thrilled with all of my choices. Sometimes I make the wrong ones, but for some reason, I start to feel that the ones that I screw up are significantly more tenuous and difficult than the ones I used to make. Frustration.
2. Interactions with people: I still find that I'm not thrilled with all of my interactions. I wonder if I'm letting people treat me inappropriately, or that I'm not everything that I could or should be. Is it their expectations that are wrong, or is it my actions?
3. Vietnam: I bought my ticket. $1800 all in (taxes,etc.) It's more than I wanted to spend, but at the end of the day I'm thrilled. I leave at 1am Thursday morning (aka Wednesday night) and arrive in Hanoi at 10am. I leave from Cambodia at 2pm and arrive at LAX at 9pm. YEAH!
4. Tired of being tired: I want to sleep more. That is all.
5. Passover: I'm so excited about passover dinner. If you're around, reading this, and I didn't invite you- shame on me. Call me, and an invitation is on the way. I really hope that people will start to bring food, not just juice or iced tea...
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So, it's apparently been almost a whole week since I last updated.
Important things:
1. Making choices: I find that I am still not thrilled with all of my choices. Sometimes I make the wrong ones, but for some reason, I start to feel that the ones that I screw up are significantly more tenuous and difficult than the ones I used to make. Frustration.
2. Interactions with people: I still find that I'm not thrilled with all of my interactions. I wonder if I'm letting people treat me inappropriately, or that I'm not everything that I could or should be. Is it their expectations that are wrong, or is it my actions?
3. Vietnam: I bought my ticket. $1800 all in (taxes,etc.) It's more than I wanted to spend, but at the end of the day I'm thrilled. I leave at 1am Thursday morning (aka Wednesday night) and arrive in Hanoi at 10am. I leave from Cambodia at 2pm and arrive at LAX at 9pm. YEAH!
4. Tired of being tired: I want to sleep more. That is all.
5. Passover: I'm so excited about passover dinner. If you're around, reading this, and I didn't invite you- shame on me. Call me, and an invitation is on the way. I really hope that people will start to bring food, not just juice or iced tea...
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Thursday, April 10, 2008
Another day of theme park magic
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
I really do love my job. There are a lot of moments when I don't really do things, but I love when I do. I love being involved and alive and really investing in my life.
I am happy with my weekly activities. I still find that I don't have enough time to spend with friends/people, but I'm happy with the people I do spend time with and the interactions I do have.
I'm pleased with my life. I wish I paid less for health insurance/auto insurance, but all of that will come with time. I'm really quite content with life... does that make me weird?
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I really do love my job. There are a lot of moments when I don't really do things, but I love when I do. I love being involved and alive and really investing in my life.
I am happy with my weekly activities. I still find that I don't have enough time to spend with friends/people, but I'm happy with the people I do spend time with and the interactions I do have.
I'm pleased with my life. I wish I paid less for health insurance/auto insurance, but all of that will come with time. I'm really quite content with life... does that make me weird?
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Monday, April 7, 2008
Tricky times, personal and otherwise
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
I'm not really sure where to start. I have a LOT to say about myself, about what happened this weekend, about politics and my thoughts on the war. Where to start...
Most importantly, I think, is the hurt I happened to spread this weekend. I forced people who haven't spoken to me in a long time to rekindle emotions and thoughts about our relationships. I forced myself to take a long, hard and depressing look into my life and the relationships I've forged. Why, you might ask... because I had to. Because someone, a brilliant someone who can see deeper into my soul and my person than I ever thought possible/would ever be possible for me to do myself, brought to my attention that 1+2 did not =3 in my case...
I tore through my past, through the pain I have felt and the pain I have caused others, and came out on the other end with a very painful solution. A thought that I wasn't going to share, yet again, felt compelled to share. And not only did it not provide anything positive for the other person, it was mean and unkind and horrible. I wish that I could have seen through my pain, and into the pain I would have been causing. It's just so incredible, to understand how clearly someone can see right through me. And how my thoughts could be so muffled, and how I couldn't understand my own process. And how I have ended up back in the same corner I was last time... having brought someone down a scary path, and lost them along the way.
This isn't about them, it's about me... but I'm dreadfully sorry.
Additionally, I was just mean this weekend. A friend was sick and couldn't hang out with me, and I was angry at them. I'm not exactly sure why... but I was. I called up to apologize later, but there wasn't any reason for me to be rude. I just can't seem to figure out where I should be these days.
I think I need to take some time out. Try to limit myself to activities for myself, and around myself...
I watched Stop-loss this weekend. If you haven't seen this movie, you should. Especially if you are actively involved in thinking about how the war is affecting America. I won't give it away, but I loved the way she used live film footage, took action shots and really made me feel like I was there. She didn't ignore the sad moments, but at the same time, she didn't ignore the honor and the desire of the soldiers.
I think the war is a horrible thing, but I also think that it's exceptionally complicated. It's so multi-faceted that it can't easily be explained by either side, without some sort of ignorance or pushing of an agenda. The movie seemed to be fairly unbiased. It presented the horrors of Stop-Loss and the horrors of being a soldier; but at the same time, it seemed to be impressively able to explore and develop real people in these situations.
I wish that I was more politically minded, and I know that those of you who are will be saddened by my process, but I support my country and for me, that support means supporting the soldiers in the war.
I also went to the Art Walk at the Brewery this weekend. I bought a really cute piece, a little expensive, but I was quite smitten by it. It was a great time, with a great date.
I spent an obseen amount of money at Macy's. My way of getting out my horrible emotions for the weekend. SO much for saving for a trip.
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I'm not really sure where to start. I have a LOT to say about myself, about what happened this weekend, about politics and my thoughts on the war. Where to start...
Most importantly, I think, is the hurt I happened to spread this weekend. I forced people who haven't spoken to me in a long time to rekindle emotions and thoughts about our relationships. I forced myself to take a long, hard and depressing look into my life and the relationships I've forged. Why, you might ask... because I had to. Because someone, a brilliant someone who can see deeper into my soul and my person than I ever thought possible/would ever be possible for me to do myself, brought to my attention that 1+2 did not =3 in my case...
I tore through my past, through the pain I have felt and the pain I have caused others, and came out on the other end with a very painful solution. A thought that I wasn't going to share, yet again, felt compelled to share. And not only did it not provide anything positive for the other person, it was mean and unkind and horrible. I wish that I could have seen through my pain, and into the pain I would have been causing. It's just so incredible, to understand how clearly someone can see right through me. And how my thoughts could be so muffled, and how I couldn't understand my own process. And how I have ended up back in the same corner I was last time... having brought someone down a scary path, and lost them along the way.
This isn't about them, it's about me... but I'm dreadfully sorry.
Additionally, I was just mean this weekend. A friend was sick and couldn't hang out with me, and I was angry at them. I'm not exactly sure why... but I was. I called up to apologize later, but there wasn't any reason for me to be rude. I just can't seem to figure out where I should be these days.
I think I need to take some time out. Try to limit myself to activities for myself, and around myself...
I watched Stop-loss this weekend. If you haven't seen this movie, you should. Especially if you are actively involved in thinking about how the war is affecting America. I won't give it away, but I loved the way she used live film footage, took action shots and really made me feel like I was there. She didn't ignore the sad moments, but at the same time, she didn't ignore the honor and the desire of the soldiers.
I think the war is a horrible thing, but I also think that it's exceptionally complicated. It's so multi-faceted that it can't easily be explained by either side, without some sort of ignorance or pushing of an agenda. The movie seemed to be fairly unbiased. It presented the horrors of Stop-Loss and the horrors of being a soldier; but at the same time, it seemed to be impressively able to explore and develop real people in these situations.
I wish that I was more politically minded, and I know that those of you who are will be saddened by my process, but I support my country and for me, that support means supporting the soldiers in the war.
I also went to the Art Walk at the Brewery this weekend. I bought a really cute piece, a little expensive, but I was quite smitten by it. It was a great time, with a great date.
I spent an obseen amount of money at Macy's. My way of getting out my horrible emotions for the weekend. SO much for saving for a trip.
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Thursday, April 3, 2008
Still difficult...
One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me
I'm trying hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The truth, that I'm not sure that I'm even in a tunnel, is even harder to see.
I'm working so hard, I'm trying so hard, I'm drowning.
I don't understand how many people can't be bothered to work out their own problems with the people they have problems with.
I love my job, and in all honestly, I love my life. I just want people to be able to understand that I'm doing my best, I don't mean any ill-will, and that I'm still learning.
On more personal notes, last night ended up being exactly what I needed! Everything I needed, and more than I could have even expected...
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I'm trying hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The truth, that I'm not sure that I'm even in a tunnel, is even harder to see.
I'm working so hard, I'm trying so hard, I'm drowning.
I don't understand how many people can't be bothered to work out their own problems with the people they have problems with.
I love my job, and in all honestly, I love my life. I just want people to be able to understand that I'm doing my best, I don't mean any ill-will, and that I'm still learning.
On more personal notes, last night ended up being exactly what I needed! Everything I needed, and more than I could have even expected...
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