Surviving

Deep Survival is a truly remarkable book. Haven't you ever wondered why some people survived and others didn't. In a boat crash 4 people go into the water together. At the end of 5 days only two of them are alive. Two of them actually walked off the side of the boat, eaten alive by sharks. One succumbed to the elements...two of them made it out of the water.

Am I a survivor? Do I really think that I have the mental coolness to ignore my amygdala, the ephinephrine the norepinephrine...? The physical reactions my body has been designed to have to deal with and possibly overcome the challenge...

Recovery is survival. Moving forward, conciously putting the thoughts you need to consider, the rational self; ahead of the emotional being. Overcoming the desire to ask "why me" and moving forward with a clear goal and purpose?

I know that at some point in my life I will have the experience where I will be faced with the prospect to survive. I will eventually die, and it only seems natural that before that point I will be working toward survival. When my moment comes, will I be able to rationally examine the world around me?

Can I even rationally examine the world right now? Do I honestly live in the moment, allow myself to take in the clues the world is giving me? A good friend says I need to learn to listen to my body. How? By going into the mountains and forcing myself to survive? By ignoring the civil world around me?

Maybe, I just need to start looking within. Stop waiting for someone to come and make my life good. Stop looking for love and recognize that I am the only one who can make my life happy. Me, and me alone.

I just want it to be over, I want to be 30 with my life where it should be...

I got offered a job. A job I thought that I wanted, but now that the offer is FINALLY on the table I'm nervous and don't know what to do. Don't get me wrong, I want to move; but is this the offer to do it on? I have a good thing here, as much as I might complain, no one's breathing down my neck...no one's forcing their ideas on me...it's just easy and it pays well.

I'm anxious. I want to move on with my life. Another one of my friends just got engaged. I'm jealous. I want to have the happiness that comes from a solid relationship in my life. I want to be surrounded by the love from another person. Don't I deserve that? When will I find it?

Why am I SO ANGRY at the fact that my opportunity to be with someone I had been waiting for was taken away. I hate a dead person. There...I said it. I HATE YOU! I hate you for dying, for ruining my happiness. For taking what was good in my life, what was supposed to work out, and making it shitty. For taking the hope, the love, the excitement out of someone I care about. I WANT YOU TO FIX IT! Be like jesus, come back and tell him it's going to be okay.

I want to move on...but I want him to move on with me. I promised myself that I wasn't going to care anymore. But I do.

Startlingly different feelings

I'm suprised by even myself. How much different it all felt than I thought it would. Hopefully this feeling will last...won't be replaced by something depressing or unhappy.

WOW- we can totally do that again, maybe a little sweeter this time.

Work review, taxes, plans for the summer

Today was my official review at work. I was pleasently suprised by the feedback I got...mostly because I didn't feel like any of it was stupid, incorrect, or worse...irrelevant. It was a good meeting, and no, not everything was positive bullshit. There were a lot of constructive comments, and a few biting ones. I always feel nervous around my boss, especially with things like this...they seem so official.

I have basically already spent my tax refund. Part went to boys and girls club for my two random dates (I bought people at an auction while I was drunk); part went STRAIGHT BACK TO THE GOVERNMENT for my speeding ticket; part went to the driving school they made me take... so much for something nice for myself.

I'm so excited for the summer...to work 9-5; take some time off. I'm definitely going to Israel, but I'm excited about the other possible options for the summer. Thinking about weekend trips. It's also making my head spin a little...I'm doing A LOT of interviews and other things to look for a new job. Today, due to my review, I'm almost feeling content to just stay here. I do have a lot of things to work on; why not work on them not in the theatre world...what happens here isn't likely to have a huge affect once I get a new job (meaning if I F it up). My boss told me that she is at least 50% positive that she won't be here for ths Spring Semester...might leave in December; might leave as early as August.

I'm tired of feeling like I can't ask you to do things with me. You know who you are. I'm just so sure that you are going to say no. This goes for movies, dinner, and yes, shock SEX! Don't think for even a minute that if you never say yes to dinner that I'm going to invite you over for no strings attached intimacy. What are you...CRAZY!