These past few weeks have been the Jewish 'holiday' season. From Rosh Hashanna all the way through Simcha torah is the holiday world of the Jews. everyone in America thinks that Hanukkah is really special, but the reality is that it's only special because Christmas is.
I know I posted before about what some of the holidays are about, but for a quick review:
Rosh Hashanna- start of the new year
Yom Kippur- Day of Atonement, sealing the book of life
Sukkot- Celebrating the harvest
Simchas Torah- commemorating when Moses recieved the torah.
While normally these holidays really pass me by without a thought, or at least much of one, this year I have been overwhelmed with the meaning and beauty these holidays posses... I can't stop thinking about how less than a month ago I was sitting by the Kottel in Israel, praying my heart out and reading a book in the sunshine. how I learned so much, gave so much, and still feel like I am missing so much.
I sat on my couch, tears flowing down my eyes, as I relived some of the hardest moments of my life over these past years. Moments, thoughts, and feelings that I have been keeping inside of myself, trying to forget or get over or let go of. I sat there, with a man who knows me almost better than I know myself, and forced myself, and him, to review those decisions I regret. How when he needed me most I was in my own world, how when I think about some of the things he's done and said I cringe. How his choices have affected my life.
I'm in a weird headspace, and I think it started with my renewed idea of what these holidays mean- how suddenly I care- about G-d, about myself, about Israel, about being Jewish. I've started on a journey when I landed in Israel. I've taken that journey to heart, and am trying my hardest to let it take me somewhere. But am I going about it wrong?
I've embraced some new ideas, some thoughts and some feelings I didn't used to have. Is taking them at face value accepting to much? I want to explore and understand. I want those feelings I felt while standing at that wall- in those places, and with those people. To have what they have- that dedication and innate knowledge of who they are. Not to question what it means to be Jewish, but to have an innate existence.
I miss Israel so much- I feel for those people, their sufferings and triumphs. I fear for their everyday, and I so desperately want it for myself...
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1 comment:
I really wish I could give you a hug right now - I think you could use one.
It is best to share both joy and pain, especially when they are mixed together.
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