What's the meaning of life- and where does the red wine come in?

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, red wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO!!! What a ride!

Is this true? Is this really what I should be doing? Am I headed down this path....?

I've been thinking a lot about my future, where I want to be, and when I want to be there. I have to admit that I'm a little less than thrilled about the current 'waiting game'. Of course, a better person would say that all of these moments, this so called waiting, is really a part of the magical experience that is living. I'm not sure where I stand.

I want to get married. I want to start having children. I want to explore new places, new things, and to figure out what I like and what I don't.

When I told my mother that I was headed to Cambodia she told me that she could just shoot me with a gun if I wanted to die. I don't think that I have a death wish. In fact, I think I have a healthy curiosity. Of course, the truth that someone could walk in my door and say 'do you want to go to Timbuktwoo' I'd say when, and for how much? I just want to explore. To connect to new things. I think I sort of feel that as long as I'm not bogged down in the everyday, I won't mind that I feel like my life is not on the track that I want it to be.

I've been thinking a lot about my relationships. The ones I value, and trying to determine where these relationships should go. This includes friendships, intimate relationships and family connections. I'm at a point where I want to stop caring about people, if they don't seem to be caring for me. Where I can no longer give of my self, my heart, and my soul to those I'm intimate with, without something concrete in return. Where I need to feel nothing but generous support from those I'm related to and cannot leave.

I'm trying to hold back from forcing my hand... but the more I sit, the more I believe that that's truly what I need to do...

After all, if I want to skid in sideways screaming what a ride I probably ought to start now.

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