A new Dawn...a new day...at least I hope so.

A new leaf has been turned over. I'm tired of hearing myself gripe about the future, the boys..who are we kidding...just the boy. Enough is enough. I refuse to be a patsy girl anymore.

I have taken control...I demand things, and if it dosen't happen then I will decide to change things. I'm tired of complaining and letting things happen to me. I'm sure all of my friends are tired of hearing about it to.

So- let's all find a new topic of conversation...one about the fabulous life I'm leading, my wonderful soccer team, my great kickball Mondays; my impending beautiful future.

Let's start talking about the positive, decide that the future is where we want it to be...

-ps if I write anything more that is 'complaining' or not making changes...please yell at me. I deserve it.

-PPS...I have decided the following:
-he is not allowed to tell me he is going to call, and then not call. If he says tomorrow, it DAMN WEL L better be tomorrow.
-he is not allowed to break dates with me. We have a standing weekly date...he cannot break it excessively or w/o reason.
-he is not allowed to try to make-out/be intimate when we are alone. He needs to control himself and show me he wants more than my body.
-he is not allowed to make me cry. Whether he knows he made me cry or not.


AND THAT, my friends, IS THAT!

Looking at my positive achievements

This post is spurned by Caitlin...

What have I achieved. Looking at my life, and my bank account, I have certainly been investing more in entertainment, fun and taking time out. I have established a routine, a life, a presence in LA. I have conquered my first job, in fact conquered it so much that I am able to say I'm ready to move on. I have furnished and decorated a beautiful apartment. I have broken up with a man who may have been, and might still be, the most influential person in my life. I have created more meaningful relationships with friends, old and new. I have nurtured relationships with my family, relationships I didn't think were possible years ago.

At the same time, i know that there are LOTS of things that I overlook daily...things I think to much about, care to much about.


Thanks Caitlin: making me look at the positives. I keep trying to remind myself that things are good- but a little nudge from outside certainly helps.

Finger Update

I went to the doctor today- no surgery...woot! Just tape it together during the day-crazy brace at night for about 4-6 weeks.

Woot! I'm going to be okay!

what is the difference?

Between friends and lovers, boyfriend and girlfriend; dating? In reality what is it that is the defining characteristic of these relationships?

I think it's time to decide what the rules are, and if there should be any rules. I'm tired to trying to figure this out on my own...

Why don't you just tell me?

interesying is the LEAST of the things i have to say

So...today is monday. i skied today, and i tore a ligiment in mt thumb- i'm starting off with that for the spelling mistakes.

When i got here i wasn't sure what i was doing, but i have had a great time. despite the sexual pressure; i have enjoyed the cuddling and being together. it was the rught thing to do to break-up; but we have still had a good time. it turns out that without the pittsburgh environment, we are very different ppl.

snowboarding at powder, then 2 days of skiing at snowbasin. so much fun! i didn't hurt myself until the 6th run today; the most runs i had done over the coursae of the 3 days.

i'm better at skiing, and, truth be told, i enjoy it more!

I realize that i am a very hot and cold persom-i go from happy to sad quickly. luckily i go both ways just as rapidly.

its funny to me that while i had had a great time- i can't help but wonder what is going on at home. having memories of different events, and vacations.

why...btw...am i so accident prone.

I SUCK!

Awkward In Utah

It's suprising to me how sometimes you can see an old friend and fall right into sync again- not wondering how to act, where to be, what to say. Then there are experiences like this one:

I'm not sure what I am doing here. CUT to next post.

Ways that we all are a part of the world...

So- today it was raining. I love the rain on my window, sitting cuddled up in my bed and just hearing it fall. The wonderful fresh smell that slips in the open window. It makes me feel like we are all connected, that somewhere else around the world there is another girl; having the same experience somewhere else.

Hallie came over for dinner last night; I was rather pleased with the Salmon I prepared. It was a little dry- I need to stop buying the pre-cooked frozen kind and using recipies that are assuming you are using fresh fish. Eh- it was still good. The soup is still one of my favorite parts of life- it's fresh and wonderful.

The world is inundated with Valentines day, and I can help but wonder how it is that this year I am so alone- first time in many years. At the same time, I really do know that I'm not 'alone.' I have people who love me, care for me- keep that in your heart.

Why don't cute boys whistle?

Yesterday I'm walking through downtown LA, and I get whistled at by 4 guys, said hellow from moving vehicles by 2 others, and honked at by another 2. Some girls think this is great for the self-esteem, and I'm not going to argue with you; however, WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE UGLY MEN!??!!

Can't the cute boys stare at my ass or honk their horns at me? Is it to much to ask to be an object of lust for someone I might (at ANY POINT) actually consider looking at?

Where is the depth of my life- or I am really just a shallow person

Looking through my words, my thoughts; I realize that I rarely ever go more than skin deep. Is it because I don't want the world to know that in reality I am terrified of myself, my words, my thoughts. To have all of the crazy feelings and emotions and thoughts. I don't even think that I WANT to be me. To have to sit for even a moment and consider the truth behind the things in my head- where would I be, what would that do to me?

to retreat from the bumby crazy convoluted road I can't seem to find or make or see. Are we all supposed to immediately know where the road should go? Am I the only one who is lost in the sea of opinion. where should the period go- because honestly I don't think I know anymore. How can it go at the end, when I am positive that I have no end to the world to the thoughts to the emotions to the feelings to the

Excitement- happiness- a tad bit overwhelmed

Wow- what a crazy weekend. Both that of the general population and my own weekend. I can't believe how CRAZY it was. All in all things are going very well:

Soccer was great! We totally kicked ass and I'm excited about next week.

The game was fun- not fabulous, but certainly interesting with lots of good food.

Monday kickball was fun; lunch with Courtney was entertaining and good for the soul.

Tuesday I went home- it was nice, a little drama, but good food and good fun. Then cuddling on the couch for a movie.

All in all a good weekend. Let's hope that next weekend is as good, and that UTAH is better!

Might Possibly be the worst date ever- not quite sure how it could have gotten worse?

A horrible ridiculous date- not something I even really enjoyed. It started with me being early, to a restaurant that had no real bar. I tried to relax. Then we eat dinner, with his sister. Conversation flows from what they are doing tomorrow to any reasonable topic that all three of us could talk about. Incredible. The meal finally ends, and I have to pay for my own food. Shouldn't be that upsetting, but in honesty I wouldn't have gone if I would have known I had to pay for myself. GRRR.

So- today- a new day. I found out my sister is ENGAGED. Thank goodness that NO ONE knows about this blog- or I would be in the BIGGEST trouble ever. Oh my g-d I'm not ready for this.

Soccer. I love soccer. Today we won, there was a penalty kick and I amlmost lost the game, but in the end, we TOTALLY won it all.

YEAH ME! I can DO LIFE! I can DO THIS!

The Jewish Dating Service Strikes again

So, I get a call today at around 2pm. It's Jon Delima (sp), asking me if I want to get together with him, his girlfriend, and his girlfriends brother. Wow- talk about an interesting set-up. For about 15 seconds I wondered if saying yes was the 'right' thing to do. Should I be free on a Friday night on such short notice...I did have plans- Chabad house, but eh.

I'm excited about my new girl group. So far, things have been a LOT of fun, with new people, exciting occurences, and fun!

Here's to a fun night, a new person, and a good outlook- here's to being 22 and REVELING IN IT!

Is it to much to ask to have a person dare I say it MAN who does nice things for you?

Is it really only on tv? Is that REALLY the only place where someone might be able to have a relationship that involves random kind things. Flowers in the afternoon, soup when you are sick. Are these things to much to ask from everyone, or just the man I happen to be asking for it from?

I SHOULD be over this. Be over the self-doubt, the questions, the confusion. But at the end of the day, I still want to be with him. Why do I want to be with him...

He makes me happy. He listens to me. He enjoys the same things I do. He respects me. He's great at sex (yes, I did just say sex). He seems (??) to want good things for me. He's been there when I needed him. He tolerates and helps me through my crises.

That's a lot of reasons. Do any of them matter, and is it enough?

I should be happy. I bought GROCERIES! YEAH!