Why?

Why do some people have life easy? Why is my world a rosy-pink world, a world where anything is possible, and in all liklihood, good things will happen. Who am I kidding, as much as I might dispair my world is a HAPPY PLACE.

I want my friends to be happy. I want to know why the world decided that their lives shouldn't have the rosy tint that mine does.

I love them...it hurts my soul.

Depression

How do I help a friend through depression? Any suggestions?

Cool new site:

I read a LOT of books... today I found the coolest site. It's a site where people register books, and then either mail them to someone or leave them in cool places to be found by someone else. TOTALLY AWESOME: Click below:

Commit random acts of literacy! Read & Release at http://www.bookcrossing.com/friend/Ebuckser

On another, purely me note, my readership went up to 5 today...that's kind of exciting. I also managed to get myself invited to an on-site job interview. AKA someone is flying me somewhere cool to meet with them and have a second interview. I'm excited about the possibility...not sure I really want the job, but what the heck! I certainly want some thing new.

I'm very worried about the friend I'm not supposed to talk about. He has seemed very depressed lately. I'm angry at myself because I don't want to talk to him. Talking to him makes me feel bad about myself...it makes me wonder when he is going to call, wait for him to call, etc. He has been a friend for so long, it makes me feel like a bad person to not want him in my life right now. Selfish, stupid, and silly.

I'm PSYCHED about Passover. My absolute FAVORITE jewish holiday. If any CMU kids are reading this- GO TO DAVID BOEVERS celebration. It's totally great, and it has amazing food.

Jealousy of people I hate

The theme of the week has been jealousy of people I don't like. I have decided that hate is to strong of a word for any of these people...they haven't actually done anything to me...not anything of relevance.

Someone I know is spending time in a foreign country, volunteering with the underpriviledged there. And, to be quite honest, I'm jealous. Reading about her experiences makes me wonder what I am doing with my life...and I DON'T EVEN LIKE HER! In fact, I dislike the very thought of her... I know the main reason why she decided to go/could go was because she had nothing else going on... at least that's what I'm telling myself about her cool adventures.

I went out to lunch with my sister and my Aunt on Saturday...it was a great day. We get tot he restaurant, and after we sit down a few friends of ming from High School sit down a few seats away. These are girls whom I DON'T LIKE! And as I sit there trying to make myself invisible (so I don't have to say hello) I am instantly jealous of their ability to have remained friends. I LOVE the friends I have...don't get me wrong...I just wish that I had more female friends. I realized in that moment that the only friend that I still have (in true reality) from high school is a boy who wants to have sex with me. AWESOME!

It has been a great week. It seems to be a year ago when I saw my friends from CMU and was in Phoenix. This week I was busy and enjoyed work. I went out with friends, and out on a few dates. I had a crisis, and I not only survived...I think I triumphed!!

I'm going to the gym...that's right folks! Be proud!

Becca and me...before the wedding craziness

Make your own Click to play

The funny thing to me is that almost (okay ALL) of these pictures are from the last year or so. Is that because we were in different places, or is it because, in reality, we just really started to like/tolerate eachother?

USITT a photo scrapbook

Make your own | Click to play

PLEASE tell me if you like it...

I don't know how you do it...

This week has been one of the busiest, craziest weeks of my life....I literally DO NOT believe that this time last week I was in Phoenix...that this time last week i was just starting the relaxing, drinking fun that occured. I have been so busy that I am actually stealing time from something that needs to get done in order to even write here.

As much as I might complain about working on Sat/Sun it does have some advantages...namely being able to relax and breathe in my office; knowing that there aren't phones ringing, people stopping by and craziness. Most of my Saturdays revolve around me being the only one, and me being the only problem solver.

On the personal side I have been asked out by two different boys...I am particularly excited about this. It's funny to me that as much as I wasn M&M to love me, care for me, and want to date me; I'm excited about these new boys...I'm excited about being taken out for dates, I'm excited that someone not only wants, but will drive 45 minutes just for a date with me.

I hope to have some time to reflect on the date- it's the Spring Equinox...remove those sweaters..clean house a little bit, and get excited for Spring and summer!

Sometimes I think I'm a terrible person...because to be honest, I just don't care

Is it bad not to care...because sometimes I just don't. Someone was talking to me about the state of New Orleans, and I felt bad because I couldn't stop thinking about what I was going to eat for lunch. There were students on campus protesting Military Recruiters...I happen to personally be in favor of recruiting, but all I could think was don't they have better things to do with their time.

Does it make me a bad person to not care? I like to think that I'm 'on top' of the politcal world, but the truth is that I'm not and that I don't really care. I care on a prefunctory level; the things that touch my life or are things good friends care about...

This weekend in Phoenix life was great...I had such a good time. Lots of new people, friends and wonderful contacts...YEAH NETWORKING!

I also, oddly enough, managed to have an almost totally friend conversation with our dear Matthew. WOW!

A happiness in my soul...a light in my heart...a joy in my steps.

I am a happy person. I need to write that more often, I need to remember that more often.

I drank 2/3 of a bottle of 2buck Chuck. It was good, and made me feel good. I baked some cupcakse, and watched a movie that I had been looking forward to. I went to sleep,

Most importantly I made myself heard...I was clear, concise, and didn't get/allow any argument. It feels good to be me.

Doing what you want, versus doing what you 'should'.

How many times a day do you think about what you 'should' do? Is 'should' a word that, in today's me world, we think about to often. Does the 'should' of lives decisions actually dictate our lives?

I can't decide if I'm doing what I'm doing because I want to, or because I think that I 'should.'

Go to USITT...do the dishes...don't make out with an Ex...do excercise...listen to your parents...

Honestly do I want to go to USITT...? I only know about 1 person there, no one wants to room with me, and in reality, what will I get from it?

Doing the dishes....sometimes I want to, but more often than not, that's a should. And in reality you SHOULD DO THE DISHES! Listen to that gem a little more often Matthew.

Don't make out with an Ex? But I want to, and it feels good, and fun and nice. Where does it end?

Excerise...I HATE THE GYM! Am I so fat that I really have to be concerned?



Okay- sometimes the 'should' wins; but what about my own desire to actually do something? where did that go?

I finished a lot of laundry, I finished the curtains over the back door, my dasies seem to be growing strong, I cleaned my room, I put up the hanger in my bathroom for my robe...I also managed to get myself hot and horny with nothing to satiate me...grrr....

live strong...pray for friday.

Why do blacks have such nice, white teeth

Is this an optical illusion? Are there teeth really as 'unwhite' as mine? Do they just look better because they have darker skin...their eyes don't look whiter to me....

I also want to know why the women's soccer team has failed? Why can't we sustain a professional team?

I want to know why people get depressed. Not just a clinical answer, but why. Is it hereditary? I mean...is it really in your genes?

I want to know why people get angry...at the world, at other people, at their situation. Why can't some people seem to understand that the world is what you make of it?

Why do people decide things that, in reality, they can't control? The sun will turn, and the moon will rise (most often), why fight it?

What do cats dream about? I have crazy dreams...cats...what about them?

Why does music make me feel so good? Why can it take me from sadness to happiness in an instant?

What makes someone happy? Do you control your own happiness, or don't you? Can you....or won't you?

How do I grow tea leaves? I want to brew my own tea...grrr...

How do I get to the end of the road? Can I get there any faster? Is there a shortcut that no one is telling me about?

Water...does it really make you skinnier? How much do you need to drink in a day?

Can you buy happiness? Does money make you happier? How much happiness can you buy?


-----the musings of a bored mind.

Cleaning out your world....

Today I started cleaning out the old numbers I have in my phone. Oddly theraputic...but strangely sad. It's amazing how many people I have in my phone, and how many people I feel more than comfortable just erasing from existence. Even stranger how many people that I'm just NOT QUITE sure who the hell they are.

I've added last names- that's an improvement.

We lost our soccer game today- a STUPID penalty kick in the last 30 seconds. Totally stupid, but in honestly we played better- at least during the second half.

What a petty posting, but honestly, life is good. My dad came up for the game, that was SO exciting. He went out for lunch with me and some members of the team. We had a fun lunch, sitting, getting to know eachother. I think that some of us could be really good friends, have a good time together, outside of the games. But for the moment, I'm enjoying what we seem to have.

I'm watching Lost...it's a really good show. I borrowed the first season..so now I'm not bored.

So...that's my life. What's up with you?

A feeling of peace and security

Tonight I lite the candles. Friday Night Lite. Two of them, about 18minutes before sunset and I felt a sense of supreme calm. A happiness in my heart, a lightness in my feet. I wrote a note to all my friends, I cannot have imaginged the peace I felt, and how much it would have changed my outlook on the night, and the week ahead.

I think that things are going well. I have plans tomorrow-a soccer game, lunch with my dad and the girls, and then work- FOLLOWED by a PURIM party. I love Purim, it's one of the best holidays- hamentashen (sp) and loud costumes. Sunday I have work, followed by a late night kickball game at the Staples center. Monday- an interview, and then a KICKBALL GAME with Monday drinking.

I love life- and for the moment- life loves me.

PS- if you want to be penpal, let me know. I want to write people letters.