It's time

So, February, before Valentines Day, I want to know what's going on with my X. It's been a month of 'regular life', and a few months before that. It's time to figure out what our feelings are, where we see things going, and why the hell he keeps making out with me at every turn.

I like him, I would like to be back in a relationship with him, I would like for things to be easy and good again. I need to remember:
1. He is not there to do things for me. I can do it myself.
2. He won't change who he is, stop expecting him to.
3. I need firm plans. I've been resistant to 'scheduling' our time together, but honestly, it might be better for us.
4. I don't want to be used...it's time to know why he is doing what he's doing.

I don't think this is an unreasonable idea...more likely I think it's an idea I only half like- to have this conversation could totally limit our interactions. I don't know that I'm really ready for that, but can I continue going with what we are now?

-Check back later- we'll see how devastated I am.

What are we doing with our life?

Where do we go? Where are we supposed to be? What are we supposed to be doing with our lives?

Such a good time last night, enjoying the girls, some wine, some new clothes. It's amazing to me how one good night can change my whole outlook on life. I want to be back in the olden days- to have stayed at my parents house, surrounded by love until I move into my husbands, surrounded by love.

I love my roommate- she's amazing. It's funny how things can go from one side of the pendulum to the other.

I want LOTS of children. I know, that's so hard to deal with when they are younger; but I want someone, lots of someones to be there as I get older. As I get out of a place where I can do it all myself.

Lots of alchohol, lots of fun, lots of celebration; lots of little moments that mean happiness.

Random thoughts from a random girl- I should have warned you to be prepared.

Are we Ready?

I want to start this post by saying that I have never considered myself a member of the politcal venue. I don't really follow politics, and I often don't really have opinions. I vote, every election, so don't chastice me for not caring; but to be honest, a lot of it I don't really care about.

So, that being said, I ask a paramount question: ARE WE READY? Hillary Clinton, Barak Obama- are we ready for a female president? Are we ready for a black president? I don't know. I didn't even think that we were ready for a jewish president.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not asking about myself, I'm asking about the NATION as a whole. It takes a LOT of people to elect a president.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16238556/site/newsweek/

WAIT! Other people are talking about this too. And can I just say that there are A LOT of good questions presented.

On another, not wholly connected note, I am tired of people criticizing our military men. These men and women are giving up their LIVES for us. Whether you think it's right or not, they are out there dying for something the president (you remember, that man we elected) is telling them to do.

If you really don't like it- work to impeach him. I STRONGLY believe that the people's words WILL be heard. It's only a matter of time before what we really want is what happens- if that's what we really want. Or is it only what a bunch of young 20 year olds who are to afraid to consider joining the military want?

Wow- I was going to try to keep this blog about me- but in the end we all know that my brain just goes where it goes, and does what it does.

So- WORLD! THIS IS ME, and THIS IS WHAT I THINK!

Dinner and a TV show

So, it was the 'right' speed last night. Matt came over and brought dinner with him...chicken and soup, bread and muffins. I baked a cake. That's right- I BAKED A CAKE! He commented nicely on all the new decorations we had done to my house- though he didn't even NOTICE my new hair. Not suprising. (i shouldn't be to mean here, no one else did either).

He noticed that there were no pictures of him around my house. There are LOTS of pictures around my house. I like to be surrounded by the smiling faces of my friends, people who love me, and events I enjoyed and remember. He didn't notice that there aren't really ANY pictures of random people, only pictures of ME with PEOPLE, and then pictures of just me.

It's funny how things end up meaning things to you. How these simple, stupid things can have such an impact over how we feel, how we live our lives, etc.

WOW

Sickness

I'm sick...I hate being sick. It's all Matt's fault, he was sick and I went over there.

It occured to me last night, sitting in my shower that Matt will never do those things I want him to. He will never be the man who brings me chocolate when I'm PMSing...the man who comes over with soup (or even offers to bring it). He will never be that, and if that's what I want; he won't be that.

I'm so used to a guy who will do almost anything for me. Let's look at my history: A man who got me new brownie mix when I knocked mine on the floor and randomly dropped off notes of love to my desk; another who told me falling snow was sand, who drove out of his way to take me places. I'm used to men who go out of their way to do things for me, to make me feel special, to make my life better/easier.

So sick, so unhappy, and NO ONE who has ever volunteered or offered to bring by some soup.

Boys to Children

I realize, in reading my own post, that much of my life (dare I say DRASTICALLY more than 75%) is about boys. How sad is that...

I have found myself feeling, once again, more appealing, desireable, and possibly into someone new. That's a new development.

When I get older, when I get married, I think that the most logical thing to be 75% of my life will be children. I had a particualarly random dream: I had twelve children in one day- only they all came out of me at different ages. 21, 17, 15, 11, 7 year old twins, 5, and a new born. It occurs to me that these ages are all fairly important turning points:
21: drinking/college
17: end of high-school
15: start of high-school
11: end of grammer school/middle school/realize boys exsist
7: independence!
5: personality starts to develop; start REAL school

Am I crazy to read to much into this weird dream. I also recently had a dream where I was a cow with shoes made of cereal boxes (they were the "in" thing, I swear!).

Happiness

Yesterday a cute waiter I met facebooked me. When I tell everyone this story, I pretend like he just remembered my name because of looking at my ID. Not exactly true, but it makes a better story. Actually I am a forward girl and left him my business card. He was nice, and cute, and I wanted to go out with him.

Gary has e-mailed me a few more times, and invited me out to do things...Woot! He's not overly cute, but he is a very nice guy. I like him, so, we'll see where it goes.

Matt called me not only on Tuesday, but last night as well. I finally made the decision to go down to the beach and hang out with him over this weekend.

I bought my plane ticket to UTAH! oh what fun it will be.

Hmm...work is going okay- shockingly I wish that I was alone more often. All I could do last semester was complain about how lonely I was, now I just want to be alone.

I started taking a class. I'm not overly excited, in fact I think it may have been a very stupid idea. I don't think that I'm really ready for a class right now, and I have to give up one of my two days off. I'm not is school for a reason; I don't want to learn in a class, i want to learn on the job.

That's it for my rants and raves today. Off to finish watching Ugly Betty- to the GYM with me!

Catch 22

I have discovered a problem. He thinks I react badly when he tells me bad news. As such, he dosen't like to tell me bad news and delays telling. When he delays telling me he often tells me in an inappropriate manner, thereby upsetting me and proving his point that I don't take his bad news well. It's a STUPID CATCH 22.

I'm sick of it. I want to go back in time and just have my friend back.

I went out on a true 'first date' with Gary. It was nice, he opened all my doors, paid for everything, it was a generally nice evening. It was awkward though, because I didn't know what to do at the end of it..kiss him, invite him in....what!?!?

Of course, on my way up the stairs I just wished that it had been with Matthew...I was proud that I didn't spend to much time thinking about him while we were at Universal...only a little bit. Nevertheless, I'm sure the more dates I go on the less I will continue to think about Matthew.

THANK G-D!

In the Clear

Wow! 45 days, and I finally get the red tide. I know, not a good topic of discussion, but let me tell you; I was beginning to get a little nervous...read TERRIFIED! I couldn't have imagined a more perfect way to start, on my NEW Victoria's secret Underwear. Yup, I bought it LAST NIGHT!

So, weekend plans. I can't decide what I want to do. That's not wholly accurate...I knoww hat I want to do, I just can't convince myself that it's the right thing for me to be doing... Matt is going down to the beach house, and Lisa is going to Tahoe. I think I should probably be going to Tahoe, but I really want to go to the beach house. I'm nervous that Megan (Dave's widow) will be there, and that it will just be the tree of us...how AWKWARD!

Gary and I will probably go out on a date this weekend. I'm excited, though I really don't think he's a cute guy...

What a FUN time!

I couldn't have imagined a better use of five days of my week vacation. I just got back from my religious ski trip, and it was fabulous. It wasn't exactly what I expected it to be; honestly I expected something quite different. But what I got, what I got was fabulous!

I made some very good new friends. I loved meeting and being with these girls. Hopefully I will see them again, sometime soon. More importantly I hope that I will keep them in my heart and in my consious existence of friends. People whose lives I follow and am a part of.

Some things I learned: I can make my religion what I want it to be. That's not to say that I can change rules, ideas or stories, but more the idea that I can be Jewish, be happy, and be constantly striving to do more Mitzvot. Just because I don't do them right now dosen't mean that I won't, and dosen't mean that I have to.

Second thing...light, love and fire. The concept that my love is like fire, and G-d is like fire. Just because I give away some love, dosen't mean my fire grows smaller. As long as I continue to feed my fire, my soul, my heart I will always have love to give away.

I learned so much more; so much to ponder. I went out to dinner with an old semi-jewish friend, and we both considered how our lives are limitless possibilities. there aren't any closed doors; and there probably never will be. And to be honest; that's scary.

I had another conversation with Matt yesterday. Talking and discussing more about what would happen if I 'WAS'. Right now I'm still going with the idea that I'm not. I also really like this concept that my words give power to things, so we're not voicing the idea out loud. It was a long conversation; while it was intense, it was also interesting and amiable. He's not doing well right now, and not treating me well. It's am interesting situation...who knows what will happen in the next few days or in the long-term of our lives.

I'm terrified of the possibilities of my life. There are SO many open doors. I'm terrified that I won't pick the right one, and equally terrified that I will just stay here behind the door that I've opened even though I hate this door. To be 12 again...